My Journey with Anxiety: Settling (Part 5)

Looking back, anxiety was like living with my fists clenched and up, ready to fight. Now I am learning to lower my fists and figure out where I am going to settle. I am relearning where I need to stand firm and be stubborn and where I need to let go. I have always been strong-willed and I don’t see that changing. But I think that my reasons for being strong-willed have changed from those of fear and anxiety to those of integrity and intentional relationships.

Settling may seem like the easy part. Maybe for some people it is the easy part, but for me it doesn’t feel like there is a part of this journey that lacks complexity and difficulty.

I think that settling has been one of the most disorienting experiences of this process. It feels like you’re figuring out everything for the first time. It feels like nothing is solid and every thought and emotion you have requires questioning. 

The thing with lowering your fists is that you have to learn a new normal. How do I make sure I don’t swing too far the other way? I think that when you’re used to living in a state of extremes (which I was), it can be easy to swing the other way to opposite extremes. What requires real patience is taking the time to wade into every moment ready to sort out the truth from the lies and give yourself grace to make mistakes and learn from them.

I hate to break it to you, but you will fall backwards. You will fail. You will get sucked back into anxious patterns. I have experienced this many times and each time I have to work to pull myself out. When something has been your normal for so long, it’s easy to fall back into it. It can feel comfortable and safe. It is a part of growth to fall backwards. Growth is not a steady line upwards. It has ups and downs (sometimes multiple a day). The turbulence can shake you up, but remember that you are growing. Eventually the turbulence will smooth out, your resilience will grow, and things will get better. Then life will throw something new at you and you’ll start all over.

Whether you fall backwards or are just struggling to find new normals, I hope you remember to give yourself grace. Give yourself grace when you fail yourself. Give yourself grace when you don’t measure up to your own standards or the standards that other people put onto you. Give yourself grace to take the time to figure out new normals. It’s not realistic to figure it all out overnight or even in a few weeks. You are allowed to sit in the struggle for a while; in fact, it's probably better to sit there for a while.

Hebrews 4:16 

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

You may have noticed that a theme in every single part of this series is grace. That is because grace is needed every day. Grace is needed in every moment. It is always applicable. It’s a good place to start or restart. I hope you learn to give yourself grace because it’s already been given to you; it’s just up to you if you want to accept it.

There is one person who will always love you exactly where you are (even if you don’t know where that is). There is one who sees you for everything you were created to be and nothing less. He sees your hurt, pain, and insecurities, and still calls you loved. When you feel like you’ve let go of so much, you can feel empty at times. I encourage you to let Him remind you of who you are. If we are able to start seeing ourselves from the eyes of the one who loves us so perfectly, we can start to rebuild on truth.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

It is in the intimacy and the proximity that changes the game. When you are in tune with the one who knit together your heart, you start to learn to step into who you were created to be. All of the extra baggage that we hold on to, hoping it will provide some sort of security, only holds us back from knowing Him more. We have a choice daily (sometimes hourly) - to choose the one who knows and loves us better than anyone, or to choose the things that make us feel safe. 

Holding onto control and anxiety were my normal for so long. The journey from that normal to the new normal that I am still settling into has been beautiful, terrifying, freeing, dizzying, heartbreaking, backbreaking, exhausting, and uncomfortable. I’m starting to look up and see the life I am building for myself. It’s been so good to look up, see it as mine and be proud - not because it’s all figured out, but because I am so much farther than I could have thought possible. And the journey has just begun.