The light fixtures in our lives

So there I am sitting on a porch. It's a moody and rainy day. I catch myself watching the mailman across the street going from one house to the next. I almost didn’t even notice the fact that I was watching him. I was in my own little world up in my head. And that’s the point… I almost didn’t even notice him… Then I stopped and intentionally began to think about all of the people in our lives that we almost don’t even notice.

The more I learn about people and the jobs that they do, the more I realize the complexities that are within everything. Even mundane things like building a piece of furniture, teaching a group of children, or working as a nurse have their complexities. 

When you make a piece of furniture, there are so many small details that need to be correct in order for it to turn out as a beautiful and functional piece of furniture instead of something that looks like something a grade schooler would make for their mom for Mother's Day. You need to take a concept and make it real. You have to choose the right materials, angles, and tools. You need to take a bunch of raw items and create something out of them.

To teach a group of children, you need to be a master communicator. You not only have to communicate to a group, but to each individual. You need to teach in a way that helps many different personalities and giftings to learn well and continue to grow. You need to balance and hold each individual student’s gifts, weaknesses, strengths, opportunities, personalities, and family backgrounds all while trying to pull the best out of them and push them in a way that encourages them to do their best.

The schooling alone for nurses is insanely difficult because of how many things you need to deeply understand in order to care for people well. Not just science and anatomy, but also knowing how to love people well and communicate clearly. To be a good nurse, you not only need a wide and detailed knowledge base but also the capacity to roll with the punches and work insane hours, all while caring for people while they are often in some of their worst moments.

And these are just the obvious things. Not even the million little complexities that I cannot possibly know or understand, because it's not my job.

Sometimes I look at all the people in my life that I treat like a light fixture. They are there. They play their role. They don’t expect to be appreciated. They don’t expect you to understand what they do and what they go through every day. And sometimes we see them, but we don’t really see them. Like the light fixture in your kitchen, you just see them as something to be used to make your life more comfortable. You would only really notice them if one day, they disappeared (or ya know, a global pandemic breaks out and makes you appreciate them).

The mailman. The nurse. The teacher. The garbage man. The daycare provider. The PSW. The cashier. The bus driver. The farmer. The parent.

They make your life comfortable and all you see them as is a permanent fixture in your life just doing its job. You don’t notice a light bulb for all that it does for you until it stops working. Do we really want absence to be the thing that wakes us up to seeing the people around us?

One thing that I hope COVID teaches us is to see people and to start to see them fully. But I also hope that it creates a change that lives on past COVID. I love that people are thanking their mailmen more often and appreciating our frontline workers right now. I just fear that when this is over, it will be so easy for us to go back to “normal”. We crave any sense of normalcy even if it comes at the expense of others. I just wonder how many of us are going to let the things we learn now take root and change us for the better for the future.

I don’t hate that people are putting up signs in their windows thanking frontline workers and doing things to thank their garbage men and grocery store cashiers. But their value to society and more importantly their value as people did not start during COVID; yet, somehow it is only during a global pandemic that they are acknowledged. Their value as image bearers of God does not go up and down based on how they contribute to society, but that's how we measure the value of a person. We choose who is honourable in our society and who is simply a light fixture that we would only notice if it were absent.

We have built a society that decides that your value is based on what you bring to the table. We have created a system that decides the value of what you are bringing. The value you bring is decided based on a system that continues to segregate and elevate specific groups of people and continues to push down others. You can feel that palpable gap nearly everywhere you go in the western world. The craziest part is that we in the Western world have also decided that the way we do things is “right”, “the best”, “the norm”. This position is not only prideful, damaging, and self-righteous, but it is clearly unBiblical. 

A Biblical stance on an individual’s value is not based on who they are, what they identify as, or what they bring to the table in terms of gifts, talents or how they contribute to our economy. Jesus clearly shows that when he wants to feed 5000, all he requires is for us to come and sit. He clearly shows that your past or your background does not factor into a decision of whether or not you are deserving of grace and a conversation by a well. God does not expect us to die on a cross; He sent His son to do that. He sent His son not because of anything we did, but because He just loves us... messy, broken, difficult, inconvenience and all. 

I think as we start to emerge back into “normal” we should really start to question what “normal” should be. What do we want to keep when this pandemic is over? What should we have never kept in the first place? How do we need to be changed by this? Will you let it change you?

You Always Restore

You don’t leave us broken. You always restore.

This tattoo idea came to me around a year ago. I knew that I wanted to do something with the large scar that was left after I broke my wrist a year and a half ago.

You may already know but the day I broke my wrist was also the day I had to say goodbye to someone really special. This person, although small, had a huge impact on me. When they left, I thought I would never really recover.

Then I broke my wrist. After months of being in denial of how much emotional pain I was in, I was given this injury. An injury that basically kept me in bed recovering and unable to do normal life for a little while. It was like God was making me learn to sit with Him and grieve. It was during this time that I finally let Him in fully. It was one of the hardest things I have ever learned. 

In the months that followed, I watched as God restored my heart. I saw myself able to love with a new depth, engage better with complicated emotions, and step more into who I was created to be. During that time, I said goodbye to Niagara and also a ton of anxiety and then said hello to Hamilton and a lot of freedom.

Things were not perfect. But slowly but surely my life started filling up with people and places that seemed to be sent straight from Jesus. Time after time, people who were hurting from the same things as me or who needed to hear the same words that I did just seemed to be dropped into my life. Whether it was someone who was also learning to grieve, someone who struggled from the same wounds, or someone who was learning to let God in a little deeper, one thing was the same:over and over again, I met people with whom I connected on a beautifully deep level. Over and over again, I was left in awe of who God is and His abundance of gifts. He is a giver of good gifts. 

I almost got this tattoo in February. But last minute, the timing felt wrong and I cancelled the appointment. 

I wanted to get it on June 17 (one year of living in Hamilton). And well… COVID…. so that didn’t happen. 

I ended up booking it for September 21. What a way to celebrate turning 23.

I am so glad I ended up waiting. For many reasons, I needed the reminders of this tattoo now much more than I did earlier this year.

You may look at this tattoo and think the meaning is obvious. And part of it is. God takes our most broken pieces, and if we let Him, He transforms it and turns it into new life and into something truly beautiful. He takes a shattered mind, a broken wrist, and a deflated heart and births something new that leaves you in awe.

For the past few months, I have come face to face with a lot of my brokenness. I'm not sure if it’s because of the extra room to think during COVID or because of other big changes, but it has become this undeniable weight. 

It reminds me of last time. I feel overwhelmed, broken, deflated, hurt and confused. It’s hard to see past where I am right now. But here’s the thing: when God brings you face to face with hard stuff, He doesn’t let you sit there forever. If you let Him, He enters in and picks up the pieces.

It also reminds me of last time because as much as I was consumed by brokenness, even more astounding was how God created something completely new out of it. I could not have predicted the ways it changed me and shaped me. I could not have predicted what new life would look like at all. God doesn’t just come to heal, but to restore. 

I will always have the scar from breaking my wrist. I will always have some of the scars on my heart. But just because restoration doesn’t make us look the same as before, doesn’t mean there is a lack of healing. He restores not just back to where we were but instead into even better than before. Even if restoration doesn’t look like what we expect, doesn’t mean it's not good.

This tattoo is a testimony to what God has done. It helps me remember a really special little girl that changed me forever. But it is also a testimony to what God will do.  The scar will always be there, but I choose to believe that God is not finished restoring me (He never is). I purposely left space around my scar to leave space for the restoration that is coming. I choose to believe that He is not done with me yet. 

If you are in the midst of a season that feels like you are drowning, I’ve been there. Not in your situation specifically, but I know that sometimes pain cuts so deep that you can’t even see straight. I know that it can be so hard to believe that restoration can ever come from a pain so deep and ugly. But it can, and I not only believe it for me… but I believe it for you too.

You don’t leave us broken. You always restore.

He must have known what He was doing

I am not really a movie person. Unless I'm watching with other people, I generally avoid watching any movies or TV shows. COVID has given our household (along with everyone else’s) a LOT of spare time. So we have been watching movies. Recently we watched “The Lion The Witch, and the Wardrobe”. Wow. Okay so first, I realized that I need to read that book series over again. Second, I forgot how much I loved that movie. And finally, I was hit by some pretty profound moments of the storyline.

So this past Easter, I was struggling to connect and dive deep into the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. A combination of work-related stress, COVID related stress, and general mental health resulted in me really struggling and also becoming pretty frustrated with myself. I felt like there was something that God had for me. But I just couldn’t get there. Nearly three weeks later, this movie was my “Easter” deep dive. Better late than never (also yes this post is wayyy later than easter because it turns out that I always put off editing oopsss)

So if you know the story well, you know about the many parallels of Aslan vs. Jesus, Edmond vs. us, etc, etc. There is a ton of depth that you could go into just with those pieces. However, that was not the moment that struck me. 

There is this moment with Lucy and Susan as they weep over the dead body of Aslan where the line is said, “He must have known what he was doing.” CRAZY. They had just watched Aslan be beaten, mocked and killed for no good reason. They had every reason to think that they had it wrong the whole time. They had every reason to lose hope. 

It made me realize what it might have been like to watch Jesus die. There were many people who saw the process of Jesus being beaten, mocked, and killed. Many knew Him, had spoken with Him, and had grown a relationship with Him. They had watched Him lead with certainty and work miracles. Watching Jesus die must have been so confusing. Many had been following Him and knew the kind of leader He was. They were probably rationalizing in one of two ways: 

1. He was not who He said He was, or 

2. He must have known what He was doing. 

Now the knowledge of knowing and hoping that “He must have known what he was doing.”makes the pain of loss no less painful. In fact, it was a big leap of faith. It was where the rubber met the ground. Were you going to be a follower who had faith even when it seemed as though all hope was fading? Or would you be rational and think that you had simply judged Him wrong from the beginning? How many of us would choose today to be on the side of Jesus and look completely irrational to the world around us? No but really. 

Because as much as following Jesus looked irrational then, it looks just as irrational now. From my personal experience, if you aren’t making a few choices that cause the people around you to be a little confused, then you might not be following the Jesus I know and trust. The Jesus I know and trust comes and drops opportunities without us seeing it coming; He calls us into situations that can be hard and uncomfortable; He tells us to love people who are the most difficult to love; and He does not ever strive to just “make sensible choices”.

He does not promise a life that is safe and stable. He does promise to provide what we need (Matthew 7:7-11), to show up (John 14:21), to give fullness of life (Matthew 16:24-25), and to never leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6). His love for each of us is endless and that love does not go away when our life feels like it’s crumbling. In my experience, that is where His love can be experienced in fullness. 

I have experienced this in two different types of situations personally. The first is when you get stuck in a pit. Whether mental health, in grief, or in brokenness. Maybe it is the stark comparison between the darkness and His light… But I think it is because we finally stop trying to save ourselves and let our walls down. I think that it is the place we are finally willing to ask for help and let Him in. 

The second type of situation is one where you feel like God has led you right into the deep dark pit. This one feels particularly painful because you feel as though you have taken each step forward listening intently. You have been faithful and now you feel as though you look up and realize you are in the darkest cave you have ever been in and God is nowhere in sight. This is the space where the rubber hits the road once again. It’s like when Jesus is sleeping in the back of the boat and the disciples wake Him in a panic: “Where is your faith?”(Luke 8:25). Remember that even if it seems like Jesus is sleeping in the middle of your scary situation, He is still in your boat with you. “Take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

So, are we truly willing to continue to stand firm and believe “He must have known what He was doing”? In the darkest moment, Susan dared to say those words. In our darkest moments, are we brave enough to say those words? Will we choose to speak those over our situations and choose faith over fear? In moments full of doubt, when we cannot see the way out, will we choose to look “irrational” and trust in who Jesus says He is?

The story goes on to tell of how Aslan did indeed know exactly what He was doing. Spoiler Alert: so does Jesus.

A false light is the worst kind of darkness

So lately, because of the COVID pandemic, I have been watching a lot of movies. For most people, movies are a very normal part of life, but I am not usually a movie watcher unless I am watching a documentary or am watching with a big group of people. Watching a movie by myself is rare and is usually a sign that I am not doing well. However, both of my roommates love movies and therefore we have been watching movies upon movies upon movies. 

So naturally, being the overthinker I am, I have been having these moments where a line hits me in a funny way or a character or concept feels deeper than what is obvious. Of course there are also many times when my reflection has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and everything to do with what God’s been teaching me recently.

During one of the movies we were watching, I was hit with this line in my head “a false light is the worst kind of darkness”. It is like when darkness puts on a mask to trick us and confuse us. It tricks us into following it instead of the one true light. It only leads us further into the darkness instead of out. 

It’s like when I am feeling a ton of emotions and so I bury myself in my phone to numb myself. It’s like when you chase fame, success, or achievement to make yourself feel worthy of affection and love. It’s like when you chase relationship after relationship, hoping that someone will fill the deep hole inside of you that someone else left behind. It's like when you make endless to-do lists in order to feel like less of a failure. It's like when you throw yourself into every exciting opportunity just hoping that you will somehow find your place in this world.

There are countless examples of how we numb, compare, twist, and manipulate everything around us so that we can live comfortably. We don’t have to come face to face with those deep wounds or positions of our heart that need work. We just need a new remedy. A new false light to lull us into feeling safe enough.

I don’t want to be safe enough anymore. I want to be truly safe in the only way that truly counts. As a child of God. I want the light of Jesus to be the one that lights up each and every dark corner filled with shame and insecurity. But how do I even do that? Where do I start? Is it never okay to numb or find ways to cope?

I think it should be noted that in order to process, some of us need more space than others to let things settle before we start to slowly chip away at problem areas. I personally think that is totally okay. We all work at our own speed and sometimes the absence of true light is what brings us to realize the darkness we are truly in. I do, however, think that some of us need to come to terms that we have clung for far too long to false light. Some of us have even decided to name that false light “Jesus” in order to convince ourselves into complacency with darkness. Watch out for that. That is dangerous. Don’t give Jesus characteristics that are not His. 

I think that “to start” means understanding that this life is not meant to be comfortable. Growth is messy, imperfect, and at times painful. To expect otherwise is to not be realistic and to be unprepared. One of my favourite examples is a simple seed. In order for a seed to grow, it needs to break completely open. It often looks like death. Like a snake shedding its skin, it gets really ugly before the new life can begin. I think sometimes when it gets messy and ugly, we get scared. We question everything and if any good could ever possibly come out of this mess. But that is the nature of most things. If we lull ourselves into believing that the false light in our lives is safe “enough”, sure, we are saving ourselves from the messy and painful, but we are also missing out on the fullness of healing, growth and new life.

So what will you choose? A comfortable but false sense of security? Or will you be bold and embrace everything that comes with true growth and healing? The choice is up to you.

Coming face to face with COVID-19 and our privilege

Before COVID-19 really kicked into high gear, a friend said something that was so profound that it sticks in my mind. He was predicting that COVID-19 would be a global pandemic (spoiler alert: he was right). What stuck out in my mind was how he reminded me of the fact that it is a privilege that this pandemic is just for a season. He reminded me that people live their lives with the constant thought that if they leave their house or their mosquito netting, they could contract Malaria, Ebola, or a number of communicable diseases. Not only do they live in that constant, but they do not have the easy access to health care that we have.

I am not saying that we should be downplaying the severity of COVID-19. It is impacting our world currently and will be a significant part of our history. But I think that it is crazy that even in our distress, we experience privilege. It might not feel like privilege. This season is hard in a multitude of ways. It is complex and its implications on people's lives are significant 

The idea of privilege can be hard to wrap your brain around. A great definition used by a lot of people that I respect, is that privilege is when you have the choice whether or not to engage in an issue. Whether that is an issue of racial reconciliation, wage gap, health care, poverty, mental health, affordable housing, political unrest or a myriad of other social issues, many of us have the choice whether or not we learn about the problems that exist, simply because we are not directly affected by the issue at hand.

To the people who believe that if a problem does not directly impact you, it means that it is “not where God is calling you”: Jesus searched out the people who were marginalized. He went into their communities and welcomed them to be close to Him. In the same breath, you are not the hero. You are not going to “save people”. The only Saviour is the one who died on the cross for us. Your privilege will convince you that you are above others. That is what the world teaches but it is certainly not what Jesus teaches. Jesus showed us example after example of lowering yourself and raising others up. 

It feels like I hit the birth lottery sometimes (actually often). I am white, North American, middle class, able-bodied, educated and Christian. That’s a lot of privilege right there. My life is not perfect. Privilege does not equal a perfect life. My life is not perfect but I have quite a few areas of privilege that I need to be mindful of. All of those privileges will often teach me how valuable I am. I am valuable... but because I am a child of God, not because of where and how I was born.

Speaking of where I was born, I think that it should also be mentioned that the majority of us hold spaces of privilege in our own local communities. Privilege is not always a difference in culture or country, but the space that you take up within your community. A friend of mine mentioned once that he realized his privilege just by learning about people who lived a few blocks from him. Privilege can look like living in a home with two stable, loving parents. Privilege is not knowing someone who has been incarcerated. Privilege is going to a good school, having access to safe community spaces, or having safe home.

A few different people have brought up how ingrained privilege is in our communities. Have we considered that when we convert all of our schooling online, that not every person has easy access to Internet connection? Have we considered how lucky many of us are to have a home to be isolated in? Have we considered how issues such as assault and domestic abuse happen in the homes where people now have no escape from? I do not pose these questions to make you feel like you need to solve these hard and often systemic issues. I simply hope that it opens your eyes to the idea that privilege exists and it's a lot closer to you than you think.

A friend brought up an incredible powerful point: privilege is not always an “evil” thing. When we each take whatever privilege we have been given and use it for God’s glory, it can be a powerful force. If we as Christians want to truly follow Jesus as an example, he is the ultimate projection of what it looks like to use our individual privilege for God’s glory. Jesus came down onto earth and chose to take the privilege he had as a jewish, sinless, man (not to mention being the Son of God) and made space for those on the margins. He spoke their value out loud for everyone to hear. He saw them even when it went against what authorities thought was appropriate. He led with humility and sacrifice. As expressed by my friend Shams “Jesus had all the privilege in the world as the Son, yet He chose to utilize this privilege to come into this world and die for it when He would have had every right to sit on His hands.” 

So what does it look like to take what privilege you have and foster it well while also not making yourself the hero of the story? 

1. It looks like elevating others’ voices that are different from our own that are still valuable but not heard from as often. 

2. It looks like positioning your heart with humility and a willingness to learn. You don’t know everything. We all have blind spots. 

3. It also means that you choose whom you support both in public and behind closed doors. Where do you need to get out of the way even slightly to open up the opportunity for someone else to be able to step in? How are you using your spheres of influence to open up new opportunities for others?

One of my favourite spaces that is both collaborative and empowering is called Kiva. It is probably one of the easiest ways to be a part of empowering hard working people of nearly every economic, racial, religious, and cultural background. Kiva is an online platform that you can use to give loans of as little as $25. It is not a hand out. It is a loan to help people increase their business capacity, improve their community, or provide for their household. I have been using Kiva for years and highly recommend it as an easy way to engage with the stories of other people and open a financial door that furthers their ability to become leaders in their own communities. Here is the link to check them out: https://www.kiva.org/

The idea of coming face-to-face with the privilege that you experience might not be something that you can engage with during this season. That is okay. Maybe it is something to think about when all of this is over. Maybe it is something to remember when we start to see all the ways that this will continue to impact the world around us. Maybe when we step back into our lives filled with consistency, stability, privilege and wealth (not that you are wealthy but that you experience a degree of wealth), we can remember what it felt like to do without. Even if just for a season. Even if only to a degree.