Pop it like a pimple - a response to all the feelings about COVID-19

yes a random photo that has nothing to do with COVID… I’m running out of photo content…

Last night I was sitting on the couch. I was minding my own business and all of a sudden I was PAINFULLY aware that there was a pimple brewing right by my eyebrow. It was the kind of pimple that you can’t necessarily see but you can feel it. It got to the point where any time I would move my face, I would feel the pressure brewing just beneath the surface. Finally, after a whole five minutes, I went to the bathroom and popped that sucker. The release of that kind of pressure is one of the best feelings, in my opinion. It made me think about how many of us have a million unpleasant feelings brewing just beneath the surface during this time of isolation.

Note: I think you probably see where my comparison is going. I realize already that there are some flaws in my analogy but hear me out.

I heard someone mention how profound it is that there is this one big event that unites us all because it affects each of us. Whether working or not, single and living alone or with a big family, this event in history is affecting each of us. Something that has struck me is how differently every person has been affected. It seems that every person I talk to has a different collection of thoughts, emotions and reactions. 

One of the most profound things I have learned during this time is that every person can go into the exact same pandemic and each of us dwells in it so differently. That fact is certainly something to reflect on when we consider trauma, mental health, and just about any problem we face in life. The fact that we each experience things so differently even if all faced with the same problem… Maybe something I can go deeper into another day.

But back to the pimple popping.

Each of us is experiencing so much (even in the midst of some of us feeling like so little is happening). We are all figuring out how we want to respond to this. The point I want to drive home is to find ways to ease the pressure. Some of us need to do nothing. Some of us need to do literally anything. Both of those are ways to cope. Both of those can also be ways to numb ourselves. We all need spaces to rest and to be a little numb (kudos to Animal Crossing for sweeping not just the country but also the world). But I also think each of us needs to find ways to release. Release frustration. Release grief. Release nervous energy. Release the million thoughts rushing around in our heads.

Release is one of my favourite feelings in the world. Whether it's just a pimple on my forehead or all the emotions and thoughts in my head, the feeling of all the pressure being released is amongst the most satisfying feelings. It can feel like finally taking a breath after feeling like you are drowning. The way you release will depend on what you need. Each of us will be different. For me, it was letting myself lay on the couch for a full day after an overwhelming week at work and not feeling guilty about it. Release looks like talking about everything bouncing around in my head to people to whom I don’t have to explain or defend myself. Release looks like giving myself the time to think deeply, feel deeply, and then write about it. Release looks like inviting God into all of my “pus-like” feelings.

With all of the pressure building around us, it can be easy to explode with any tiny squeeze. I am learning to find ways to release in healthy ways so that I don’t release in moments that will hurt others or be moments that are super inconvenient.

Note: Before I move into my next thought, I want to mention how important it is to see when release is necessary. Awareness is key so that you can learn to channel it in ways that do not attack others. Release should never be taken out on another person. Your need for release should not be at the expense of others’ wellbeing. And when it does happen, there is no good reason or excuse; there is only apology. Doesn’t matter if they are your best friend, your family, or your significant other, that is not how people should be treated. Ever.

I grew up in a lot of spaces that would be considered more “conservative”. Something that often felt associated with those places is a lack of space for raw and honest emotion. They emphasized reverence for God and they would interpret reverence in a way that always seemed unauthentic and unempathetic to me. Something that I have discovered is that there needs to be a balance of both reverence for who God is but also honesty. I think that without that rawness and authenticity, we are not truly letting God into everything that we are. I think it can be a way that we keep a piece of ourselves separate from God. In my experience, it makes it a lot harder for God to work in those deep heart spaces if we are not honest with Him.

Think about it this way: When you have a friend whom you know well, you can always tell when something is wrong. Sometimes you can tell before they even realize it. And no offense… but we are humans. We are each imperfect and broken in different ways. How funny it must be for the God of the universe to watch us try to hide our deep and dark feelings from Him. Whether or not you are aware of those feelings, He is. Whether or not you bring them to His feet, He knows they exist.

He is waiting patiently for you to be ready to release them. He is ready anytime you want to invite Him into those feelings. There is a reason He is the light of the world. He goes into those dark feelings and slowly brings light. He fights alongside you. But only if you invite Him. He wants to be your release. He wants all of you, not just the parts you have wrapped up perfectly with a bow. 

Sometimes, your emotional pus will explode all over Him, especially if you let it fester under the surface of COVID-19. Luckily, He can take it. Not because He “should”, but because His love is full of grace, kindness, and a love that never gets overwhelmed by darkness.

"It's not your fault."

I am finding more and more as I follow Jesus, I get pulled into adventures that I feel completely unprepared for but yet seem to pull off. It’s almost like He keeps preparing me just in time for the next adventure. In May of 2019, working at Indwell was my new adventure. I would be working alongside adults living with complex combinations of mental illness, medical diagnoses and disabilities as a recreation worker for the summer. Easy, right? I learned a lot. None of which was easy. 

A few weeks in, a moment occurred that still hits me hard to this day. I went on an outing with several residents and another staff member (Liam). One of the residents had blown up at me. It was… rough. I got back and was debriefing with Liam and another staff member. I was really struggling with coming back emotionally from the incident. It wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t the last, either. 

You know when something in you gets triggered because of hurt from the past? That’s what happened. I was so annoyed with myself because it wasn’t that big a deal. But it felt so big. The weight felt like it was crushing me. Then five words were said by another coworker that I will never forget. “Remember, it’s not your fault.” 

Woah. 

Those words shocked me so much that it took me a second to really process what she had said. Every defensive feeling in me disappeared. I felt myself soften. I took a breath and finally started to feel like myself again.

This was a moment of me realizing that we each take on things that are not ours to take on. Something that friends and I have begun to call out in each other is when you are taking on an emotional weight that is not for you to take. There are weights that are our responsibility to take on. But there are so many other weights that are not. You can only take responsibility for what is yours. 

Hurt people hurt people. But I think one of the biggest hurts we can cause is to convince someone that our problem is theirs. Our emotions are our own. They are not to be put on others. We need to learn to start taking responsibility for our emotions and the part that we play in each situation. 

I am hurting. You are probably hurting. But just because we are hurting does not give us an excuse to hurt others. 

I am hurting. So I dig deep. 

I am hurting. So I choose to see how I affect others.

I am hurting. So I apologize for my part, no matter how small.

I am hurting. But I am only responsible for how I am hurting.

It's a big job... to hurt and take responsibility for it. I can engage with others as they hurt. But I have enough responsibility with my own hurt. To take on the hurt of others as my responsibility is like taking on a second full-time job. I am already putting in enough hours.

It’s not that I don’t care. I am pretty sure that I often care too much. There is space to care for others well in their pain while not taking on the responsibility for their entire well-being. 

It should be noted that it takes practice to realize what is your responsibility and what is not. There are still many moments when I struggle to figure it out. I am finding that there are a few key steps that can help:

1. Do not see yourself as a victim. There is a time and a place to grieve different pain that you have experienced and there will be times when being a victim is key in that process. But do not stay there. In my experience, when you stay there, you become the one who explodes all over people.

2. Be mindful and see your actions and thought patterns fully. Try to catch yourself when you start to sugar coat your side and villainize other people. Dealing in those extremes is both unhelpful and usually not the truth.

3. Pray for wisdom. Things will get muddy and uncertain. It can be hard to tell what your true intentions are in every moment. Pray that God begins to reveal in you where you need to keep your pride in check. But also, it is important to realize that God’s authority is above other people. If other people are speaking things to you and about you that do not line up with what God is telling you, remember that people are broken. Remember that sometimes people’s brokenness is going to leak all over you. It doesn’t define you, it just makes a mess.

To the one who feels the weight of the world when someone explodes all over you: remember that it’s not your fault. We all have choices. Right now, you have the choice about whether or not these moments are going to dictate your value and your responsibility. I pray that you learn to value yourself enough to see where your responsibility begins and ends. Because that is also where freedom begins.

The Blackout

I get to work just like I always do. I pull my car into the driveway. I go to the side entrance and unlock the door to the office. “Weird… why are the lights off?” Then I look down the hallway… “Oh man, we don't have power.” Turns out a tree had fallen down on some power cords less than a block away. We were without power for almost 12 hours. I was only there for four of those hours. 

Crisis reveals a lot. It often shows the position of your heart and it exposes your vulnerabilities. A lot was revealed during that four hours, but I want to talk about one person in particular and how he shows a beautiful picture of who Indwell is. Where I work, Indwell owns three buildings next to each other. The first contains independent apartments, the second is a group home, and the third is made up of independent apartments with supports. I know everyone in the group home and in the third building. The first building is very independent - so much so that I have barely met some of the people living there and not met quite a few. This is mostly due to the fact that I am a part-time employee and am mostly there on week-ends.

One of the most beautiful things I have observed at Indwell is its deep connection and sense of community. It’s not something that you can force and it is not something that you can snap your fingers and create. It comes with consistency of care from staff and being rooted in Indwell values. Indwell’s values are so special because of how much emphasis they place on each life as valuable and cherished before we were even a part of their lives. Our role is to be a consistent reminder of that value and its existence in each tenant and staff member.

Because of these values, each tenant takes on ownership in some sense or another of being a part of Indwell. For some, that means caring for their other housemates on a daily basis; for others, that means the bigger picture and being invested in the broader organization. It can be picking up groceries for someone, cleaning tables after a meal, or writing a song or poetry about what Indwell has meant to them. 

photo credits to Prairie Gillis

Back to the blackout. There we are, sitting in the dark, playing 20 questions or any other silly game I can think of. In the front door comes one of the tenants from the first building. I had spoken to him pretty briefly on a few occasions but couldn’t remember his name off the top of my head. In his hand, he has a bag of tea light candles. He explains to me that he had these sitting in the back of his van and he figured we could use them (he was completely right because our emergency lights were all slowly dying). I thanked him and he explained that it was no big deal since he had bought them a while ago at Value Village. He then helped me light a bunch so that we had them all over tables in the dining room. He left for a while and then came back and offered to  go out to a store for us to grab anything we might need. He gave us his number just in case we needed anything. 

To put this into context, he offered this because the group home requires staff to be present 24 hours a day. He knows that if only one of us is there, then we can't leave if we need something. That was something that he brought up and he wanted to make sure that everyone would be okay and that we had back-up if we needed it. Crisis reveals a lot. It often shows the position of your heart and it exposes your vulnerabilities. 

Indwell is technically a landlord. I don’t know a lot of cases where people reach out to their landlords to see if they need anything in a blackout. I don’t know a lot of places where you would walk over to your landlord’s building and offer candles to light up their dining room. Crisis reveals a lot. It often shows the position of your heart and it exposes your vulnerabilities. 

Another important thing to ask is would you go over to your neighbour’s house in a blackout and check on them? I would hope that a lot of us would but the reality is that people are pretty self-centred and it wouldn’t cross most of our minds. What if your next door neighbour was a group home? Then would you go and check on them in a blackout? I don’t know if I would. 

Right now, we are in the midst of another blackout. The world is filled with fear, loneliness and isolation. A lot are overcome by fear and have lost hope. I have lost it a few times. It is a consistent wrestling match to remember to have hope. Most of us are in a blackout with regard to community. Feeling isolated and far from the people we love. The Internet only brings you so close. Finding ways to connect deeply is harder than it used to be. But it is also more crucial than it used to be. Crisis reveals a lot. It often shows the position of your heart and it exposes your vulnerabilities. 

What is this crisis going to reveal in you? Something beautiful or something ugly? 

What are you going to do with that? Are you going to grow or hide?

I hope to be a little more like Indwell and go into others’ lives bringing little candles as I go. Bringing hope and light even in a time that requires physical distance.

Taking my place as a challenger: A story of me getting mad in a Starbucks

I have always been someone who has a hard time holding my tongue. When I am thinking something, it usually comes out of my mouth. As with most things, God uses that for good and the enemy uses it for evil. The trick is knowing which is which, knowing when to lean in and when to step back. I have had quite a few situations where God has called me into bold moments that have been incredible moments filled with His power. However, there have been many moments that I didn’t handle the best.

One of those moments happened at the beginning of March. As you may have guessed by the title, it was in a Starbucks. There was a group of myself and some other young adults catching up after a conference. One of the people whom I didn’t know made a comment that frankly was just a dumb thing to say (in my opinion). I pretty much lost it immediately. I didn’t let him get a word in. I just went off lecturing this dude who, again… I did not know. Poor dude. I told him that the only reason that he could make that comment is because of how privileged he was and that if he knew vulnerable people who were being affected by the issue at hand then he would not have said that. In my mind, I was thinking about 36 individuals that I work with who are vulnerable. I also may have mentioned that his privilege came from his ability to choose whether or not he engages in this issue…. Yea, I really went off...

LISTEN. I don’t think I was wrong. I think that all the things I said were the truth and needed to be acknowledged. However, the delivery was maybe a little… too intense for someone I had literally just met…. okay, way too intense. To be clear, I definitely recognized it in the moment and apologized very quickly. Especially since I felt like all of the air had literally been sucked out of the room. 

For as long as I can remember, I have had this internal fire. It mostly comes out when I see something that is unjust, marginalizing, or just plain wrong. I feel a deep need to speak up for people who are being treated unfairly. I see clearly when people shy away from things that are hard. I feel the need to push people into spaces that are uncomfortable. I have seen so many people (including myself) meet God in the messy, uncomfortable, and constant change. The idea of not pushing people towards God and growth feels foolish. 

The truth is that I am only just beginning to feel less shame about being a challenger. I think that I was taught for so long that speaking up was something to be ashamed of. I find that many, if not most, churches teach you how to be a doormat. They teach you to be okay with getting walked all over. In a sense, I think this holds some validity. There will be spaces where you need to turn the other cheek. There will be many situations where you need to be mindful of the power of your words. There will certainly be relationships where you will need to surrender “power” to greater authorities. But I also think that we need to be mindful that each of us holds different spaces of calling in the Kingdom of God. Some of us are meant to be challengers. 

Another aspect that has been a difficulty as I step into being a challenger has been the fact that I am a girl. Honestly, for so long I felt like I was told that being a challenger or speaking boldly was unattractive or that it would “scare guys away”. I am finally at a point where I have realized that if someone is not attracted to me because of my boldness, it’s probably not going to work out anyway. Being bold is not a sin. Being bold is not “unladylike”. Being bold is following in the footsteps that were already walked by Esther, Tamar, Ruth, and Rahab. I am done feeling shame for boldness. Some of us are meant to be challengers, “even if” we are women.

As one of those people, I ask for grace. I am certainly going to get it wrong. I am going to take it too far (sometimes I will be called to take it too far, just saying). I am going to have moments that are prideful and when I get the timing wrong. 

To my fellow challengers: I know how it feels to have your blood boil over injustice. I know how infuriating it is to watch people chicken out of their potential. To see the most beautiful parts of someone and then watch them choose not to engage their giftings.

I also know that people are prideful, manipulative, broken, loved and valuable all in the same breath. We all need grace. There are ways to challenge people while also coming from a place of deep love. There are ways to call people out while not undermining their value. There are ways to demand justice while still remaining curious and humble.

It is important to remember that we are only tools that God chooses to use. If challenging someone is coming from anything other than purely God, we need to check ourselves. To go even deeper, we can speak the absolute truth about a situation but also have a heart that only sees the worst in someone. We need to enter into situations by having God’s heart for one another and then speak the truth.

It is normal for you to make mistakes and learn from them. As I figure out how to be a challenger and how to foster it well, I am going to make mistakes. So to the guy I got mad at in Starbucks, I’m sorry. I know I already said it. But I didn’t have any grace for you and that was wrong. I am truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

COVID-19: An Opportunity

COVID-19 has officially taken over. It has taken over the world, but more so taken over the internet and our own minds. It has taken over every conversation and has wreaked havoc over many social norms. About a week ago, just before this really hit, I had this thought: “What if this is an opportunity?”

I have found that chaos and crisis are two forces that can reveal people’s hearts. (I won’t say that is 100% true because context also matters.) But I think we have all watched people all over the internet and in real life react to COVID-19 in a huge range of ways - many ways that are pretty unhelpful. How someone chooses to react shows a deep part of them. If they are stocking up in extreme ways, they are probably feeling a lot of fear. If all they have done is make jokes on their instagram story, maybe they are trying to avoid any and all fear altogether. If they haven’t said anything at all, maybe they are so overwhelmed that they do not even know where to start or fear the world lashing out at their every opinion.

As someone who works with a group of vulnerable people on a weekly/daily basis, I am definitely still trying to find a good middle ground. I feel in a lot of ways that I need to be hyper vigilant because I am caring for a building full of people who are immunocompromised. But I also don’t want to give into fear. Where does a healthy fear exist? 

The place I have landed is “opportunity”. I think that this word is applicable to most, if not all, of our situations. And I think it can be an incredibly healthy outlook on the world around us.

COVID-19 is an opportunity to care for others deeply, whether that be people with whom you are isolated or not. Whether you are a parent with children who are going to be home, or someone writing about your feelings on the internet, you have an opportunity to care for others deeply. Cherish the extra time with your children. Reach out to people who are alone. Remember your friends who struggle with mental illness. Shop at small businesses. Check in on people who may be experiencing racism right now. Drop off meals to people who are working in roles of emergency response or frontline care workers. This time is a time to learn to be more mindful of the people around you.

COVID-19 is an opportunity to dig deep within yourself. Time is a gift that we can never get back. How are you going to spend yours? Are there creative projects that you “just don’t have time for”? Now is the time. Read those books that you’ve been meaning to read. Learn a new skill. Take a class online. Reorganize/purge your space. Push yourself creatively. Lean into the things you are struggling with. You have time to do some personal discovery so what are you waiting for?

COVID-19 is an opportunity to decide the kind of person you want to be. Chaos and crisis are going to bring a lot out of each of us. Now is a perfect opportunity to start deciding what it is going to bring out of you. Are you going to push back against fear and make sure that your neighbours have enough toilet paper? Are you going to check in with those who are vulnerable and make sure that they have everything that they need? For the eternal jokesters, are you going to start to lean in and see the impact it is having on the people around you? Are you willing to have your heart broken a bit for someone other than yourself? There are large groups of extremely vulnerable people around you. You don’t have to choose to self-isolate for you. You can choose to do that to help protect those vulnerable people.

Every challenge, difficulty, and crisis is an opportunity. That is not a question. The opportunity is right in front of you. It all depends what you want to do with the opportunity in front of you. The possibilities are pretty endless. But also, please go wash your hands.