"It's not your fault."
I am finding more and more as I follow Jesus, I get pulled into adventures that I feel completely unprepared for but yet seem to pull off. It’s almost like He keeps preparing me just in time for the next adventure. In May of 2019, working at Indwell was my new adventure. I would be working alongside adults living with complex combinations of mental illness, medical diagnoses and disabilities as a recreation worker for the summer. Easy, right? I learned a lot. None of which was easy.
A few weeks in, a moment occurred that still hits me hard to this day. I went on an outing with several residents and another staff member (Liam). One of the residents had blown up at me. It was… rough. I got back and was debriefing with Liam and another staff member. I was really struggling with coming back emotionally from the incident. It wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t the last, either.
You know when something in you gets triggered because of hurt from the past? That’s what happened. I was so annoyed with myself because it wasn’t that big a deal. But it felt so big. The weight felt like it was crushing me. Then five words were said by another coworker that I will never forget. “Remember, it’s not your fault.”
Woah.
Those words shocked me so much that it took me a second to really process what she had said. Every defensive feeling in me disappeared. I felt myself soften. I took a breath and finally started to feel like myself again.
This was a moment of me realizing that we each take on things that are not ours to take on. Something that friends and I have begun to call out in each other is when you are taking on an emotional weight that is not for you to take. There are weights that are our responsibility to take on. But there are so many other weights that are not. You can only take responsibility for what is yours.
Hurt people hurt people. But I think one of the biggest hurts we can cause is to convince someone that our problem is theirs. Our emotions are our own. They are not to be put on others. We need to learn to start taking responsibility for our emotions and the part that we play in each situation.
I am hurting. You are probably hurting. But just because we are hurting does not give us an excuse to hurt others.
I am hurting. So I dig deep.
I am hurting. So I choose to see how I affect others.
I am hurting. So I apologize for my part, no matter how small.
I am hurting. But I am only responsible for how I am hurting.
It's a big job... to hurt and take responsibility for it. I can engage with others as they hurt. But I have enough responsibility with my own hurt. To take on the hurt of others as my responsibility is like taking on a second full-time job. I am already putting in enough hours.
It’s not that I don’t care. I am pretty sure that I often care too much. There is space to care for others well in their pain while not taking on the responsibility for their entire well-being.
It should be noted that it takes practice to realize what is your responsibility and what is not. There are still many moments when I struggle to figure it out. I am finding that there are a few key steps that can help:
Do not see yourself as a victim. There is a time and a place to grieve different pain that you have experienced and there will be times when being a victim is key in that process. But do not stay there. In my experience, when you stay there, you become the one who explodes all over people.
Be mindful and see your actions and thought patterns fully. Try to catch yourself when you start to sugar coat your side and villainize other people. Dealing in those extremes is both unhelpful and usually not the truth.
Pray for wisdom. Things will get muddy and uncertain. It can be hard to tell what your true intentions are in every moment. Pray that God begins to reveal in you where you need to keep your pride in check. But also, it is important to realize that God’s authority is above other people. If other people are speaking things to you and about you that do not line up with what God is telling you, remember that people are broken. Remember that sometimes people’s brokenness is going to leak all over you. It doesn’t define you, it just makes a mess.
To the one who feels the weight of the world when someone explodes all over you: remember that it’s not your fault. We all have choices. Right now, you have the choice about whether or not these moments are going to dictate your value and your responsibility. I pray that you learn to value yourself enough to see where your responsibility begins and ends. Because that is also where freedom begins.