Brokenness and Becoming

When I started working at Indwell, I was still broken into so many pieces. But God used me exactly where I was at. What a beautiful thing it is to be used by God when you feel the most useless. What a beautiful thing it is to see your broken pieces be used to connect deeper, to love more fully, and to truly empathize. 

There is this absolute beauty that shines through when we are most broken. It is truly hard to fully understand unless you have sat side by side with someone you love who is in pain. When you sit next to them, the more you can see from their viewpoint. The more you can see from their viewpoint, the more you see God’s heart for them. 

Before working at Indwell, I had this incessant need for everything to go as planned. It used to shake me to my core when things didn’t go as planned. But honestly, when I started at Indwell, I was so broken down and so many parts of me so crushed that I just didn’t have the energy to plan everything perfectly. I kid you not... things went wrong nearly every day. We once went on a hike to a waterfall that included 289 stairs, and our group included one resident who was blind and another who used a wheelchair. Oh, and there was actually no waterfall. Yeah. I'm not exaggerating. That happened. 

But you know what also happened… the most beautiful memories were made. Because I didn’t have it all together (okay, I had very little “together”), every day was like a big game of problem solving. But it wasn’t me doing the problem solving. It was all of us. Me and whomever had decided to join me that day, usually embarked on ridiculous adventures getting lost on the bus, chasing non-existent waterfalls, and trying to get frisbees off of roofs.

They taught me bus routes and I taught them to keep laughing. On Canada Day, I took a group of them to see fireworks. The bus to get home took HOURS. At one point, we were literally stuck on a bus that didn't move for 30 minutes at 1am. I was delirious. But as tired as we all were and how much we just wanted to be home, we kept laughing. I was continually making random friends on the buses and so we made friends everywhere we went.  

It was never a relationship where I was “in charge”. It was a relationship where we had a rough plan but who knew where we would truly end up. It was a beautiful freedom that I didn’t expect. It was like a part of me that woke up for the first time and began to thrive. 

When we come to the end of ourselves, it is there that God begins and says “finally you are going to let me steer the boat”. He was always in the boat with you. He was just waiting for you to get tired enough in your own strength to finally let Him show you the ropes.

Working at Indwell showed me the ropes of how to love authentically. To sit shoulder to shoulder and begin to see a new viewpoint. It showed me that I had so much left to learn and what a beautiful place it is to see how much more there is to learn.

I pray that you will begin to recognize that God has so much in store for you and every broken piece of your heart. Just like a seed, when we break open, new life grows and it grows in ways you won't expect.

Endings and New Beginnings

When I was deep in the pit, want to know what lifted me out? Finding new people to love. A year ago I felt so empty. God had put me through a whole journey of loving a little girl so deeply that sometimes I felt like I was bursting at the seams. It was like God had poured so much into me that I was overflowing. Then she was gone. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I also had a broken wrist so not only did I feel broken apart but completely useless. It was a time in my life that felt like the state of my body was a direct depiction of how my soul was.

As awful as that time sounds, it was a key piece of my personal transformation. The next key piece came just as my wrist healed. A job at Indwell. My job would be to engage tenants in recreational activities for a few months in the summer. It was a change. Change in city, change in context, and a change in me. As I stepped into my role, I felt like I was stepping into myself in ways I never had before. It was a time that I saw the tangible change from the person I was and a few steps closer to who I knew I was called to be.

There is something truly beautiful in new beginnings. Maybe I am just easily bored and prone to dream, but fresh starts give me energy and motivation unlike anything else. Starting at Indwell was a fresh start. But it also gave me the space to pour out all that was in me. It felt like once again God was pouring into me so much that it bubbled over. I got to love deeply again.

I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t the same. I don’t know if anything will ever be the same as loving that little girl. But that is not what I needed. I didn’t need to replace her. I needed to move forward without her while still holding her in my heart. To learn to do that is an act of surrender and learning to hope again. 

Indwell taught me a lot and continues to. More than teaching me, it was a space of healing. It showed me that there was still an abundant life that God had for me. It was there that God showed me so much of who He created me to be. 

A lot of people are afraid of change. They are afraid of endings and new beginnings. They don’t know what to expect, what bumps will come and they crave stability not change. There are so many people who talk about life being on the other side of your comfort zone. One of my favourite places to meet with God is anywhere outside of my comfort zone. It’s often where my capacity ends and God’s begins. What a beautiful place to be where God’s capacity is carrying you.

One last thing: I love the beauty of new beginnings, but they still scare the crap out of me. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t seem to get easier. I have to brace myself and keep talking myself into every new beginning. My point being: just because they are scary does not mean that you don’t go through with it. It means you learn to do it anyway. It means you learn to lean on God’s strength. 

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Learning to love well

“You are such a good person.” “That must be such a hard job.” “Wow, good for you.” 

Those are just a few of the responses that I get when I tell people what I do for work. I work at Indwell. “Indwell is a Christian charity that creates affordable housing communities that support people seeking health, wellness and belonging.” We often serve people who are living with mental illness, disabilities, and/or homelessness. I specifically work in a group home that offers higher support. I love my job. I love the people whom I serve. But I am not a hero. I am not anything special because this is how I spend my working hours. 

I started working at Indwell in May. Something I didn’t anticipate was the comments I would get. I would tell people where I worked and I would watch their entire perspective on who I was shift. You would think it would be something that felt positive. But instead it made me uncomfortable. It made me feel gross. I was getting all of this praise but it didn’t feel like it would match up with what my job actually looked like. 

My job looks like living life with people. It looks like building relationships that are meaningful. It looks like sitting with people on their bad days. It looks like giving medications at certain times and making meals for certain times. It looks like dealing with a crisis and standing alongside people in their crisis. It looks like seeing people for their potential and believing in that potential. 

My job is not a crazy thing. My job is to love people well and roll with the punches. I don’t deserve praise for that because it is what we should all be doing already in our everyday lives. I just happen to get paid for it. 

Don’t get me wrong; the job can be difficult and chaotic. But so are people. To live in a community is to watch people try and fail and support them anyways. 

I will admit, when I started, I had no clue about anything related to housing or mental illness. Luckily, I have learned a lot. Now when people make comments that could boost my ego, I use it as a space to challenge them in the way they see the world. I get to challenge people to realize that just because they are able to fit into societal standards, does not make them better or above anyone. It means that their life is easier because society values who they are. I also get to challenge people in how they view people who are different. 

My job is to love people well. I mean that sincerely. Loving people well is to love them where they are at. In their brokenness (because we are all broken), in their failures (because we all fail), and in their shortcomings (because we all have them). And isn’t loving people well what Jesus calls us to anyway? 

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.” 

Romans 12: 9-16

What if we took these words, the words from the heart of God, and took them literally. If we chose to come alongside people in every way (not just with people who feel comfortable and easy to be around)? Jesus didn’t choose the ones who were “easy” to love. He chose the people who were marginalized in society and reminded them of their inherent value as His. There are so many groups of people who have been shoved to the edges of society as being less worthy. Jesus went to them and showed them where their value came from. He didn’t see them as charity. He saw them as individuals in need of unconditional love. He sees us all as that. 

Working at Indwell has not made me feel like a hero or someone who is doing something “good”. Working at Indwell has made me see how much we all are in need of the same things: love, support, and value. Working at Indwell has opened my eyes to see how we need to do better.

Heres the thing about being 22

What do you do when you feel like you have messed up so badly that you don’t know who you are anymore? 

You avoid writing. That I can tell you for sure.

What do you do when you have so many realizations about your brokenness that you basically shut down?

You bottle it all up and then sob to your roommate as soon as they walk through the door and say “how was your day?”.

What do you do when you feel so settled but yet so lost all at the same time?

I don't know. Do you?

Being in your 20s is a freaking wild ride. Half the time - okay,  maybe 10% of the time, you are like, “Oh yes, I totally know what I'm doing!” and the rest of the time you feel like a little kid in adult clothing. But that 10% can provide such a high that carries you through some of the bumps and twists and really thick, seemingly immovable concrete walls in your way (don’t worry; the 10% also helps you climb). But then one day, you run out of steam. You sit in silence for a while and all the doubts, questions, and hurts climb out of the crevices into which you shoved them. You look at all those painful thoughts and think, “Why are you here? I thought I dealt with you...”; “All I need is a little more confidence again and poof! you will all be gone again.”; or, “If I just drown you out with all the things that make me happy, maybe it will be like you all don’t exist.”

Except it won’t work the way you want. You can only shove your problems and hurt into the deep crevices of your mind for so long before they resurface again. Some people, most people actually, become professional emotion shovers. They shove things down for years and years until one day they convince themselves that the emotions don’t exist. But what people don’t realize is that those thoughts, doubts, and pain will come out. They come out through addictions, through bursts of unsolicited anger, through anxiety, through depression, and many other ways. They can say that those issues are “totally unrelated”. Maybe they are, but chances are that they’re not. Chances are that those are just signs of deeper pain and brokenness just bursting to be seen. 

So what now? Did you think that I have answers? Barely. I have ideas…

Here is what I know. A problem doesn’t get solved by ignoring its existence. Trust me; I have learned that the hard way. I have “solved” a problem by going in the complete opposite direction for over ten years only to find out that the problem never actually left. Talk about a wake up call. Also a major bummer.

I also know that facing something deep and dark head on will always involve a few things:

1. More time than you think;

2. More support than you think;

3. More pain than you think; and

4. Opening more doors to other deep and dark thoughts (yup, that sounds fun).

*Just a little heads up - if you haven't experienced those four, you may not have actually dealt with something head on. Sorry to burst your bubble.*

DISCLAIMER: Jesus absolutely has the ability to heal in an instant. I just believe that the majority of the time, He doesn't. I also believe that He doesn’t because He loves us (longer story but maybe read my series about anxiety. It’ll probably clear some things up).

I don’t think there is one way (other than Jesus) to heal. I don’t think there is a step-by-step process that leads every single person out of the pain they’re in. In my vast 22 years of experience on this earth, what I can deduce is that you have to just keep taking steps forward. 

I know. What a load of help I am. 

Today, I was writing a letter to a friend and I wrote something that I wanna include here: “Who knows how long the journey will take, but at least you have good company for the road ahead.” I have this friend. Let’s call Him Jesus (cuz that's His name). He is really good company when it comes to pain and healing. I can’t guarantee a timeline on healing. I can’t tell you when you will start to taste freedom for the first time. But I know that when we ask, He answers, and when we knock, He opens the door. 

He is the best company for the long, winding road of healing. He is the reason I keep going. He is what I will always yearn for more of and will always go running back to. 

To all my friends who are in their 20s, I see you. Being here is hard but now is when you start to make choices about whether you continue to shove away the pain or start walking towards freedom. Choose freedom. Choose to walk with the One who is always patient, always kind, and Who will never fail you. It can feel like you are choosing to make your 20s harder than they already are, but I actually think it just makes them fuller. But it’s your choice. Totally up to you.

My Tips and Tricks for Anxiety and Healing (bonus: Part 6)

As I finish this series, I am dumbfounded by a few things. First, God took a few of the parts in very different directions than I was expecting. It ended up being in directions that I needed to work through and process. Second, I shared more than I expected. Not because I was planning on holding back, but because once I started writing about anxiety, so much got shaken loose. There were a few spots that as I wrote them, I was finally finding the words to describe how things felt. In the end, writing this series was freeing and empowering. There are a few tips that I either wanted to mention again or talk about, so here they are:

1.THERAPY.

The biggest tip I have for anyone ever (whether or not they struggle with anxiety) is to go to therapy/counselling. I personally believe that we all need it. I have spent three years in counselling. The first time was a year as I was finishing high school and the second time was right after I failed out of my first semester of university online. The second/most recent time occurred over a period of two years. I cannot stress enough how transformative it was. And full transparency: I don’t think I am done. I will probably end up back there at some point. Not because I can’t live without it... I just know how much value there is to having help. Counselling helped me see from new perspectives and helped me work through things that I was otherwise struggling to work through fully on my own. It doesn’t matter if you are super self-aware and introspective; there are things that we all struggle to fully get through on our own. A word I often used to describe my thinking was “swirly”. There are some things that we think about and all we do is go in circles over and over again. In order to break the swirling, we need a new perspective. 

Some tips: 

• If the person you are seeing is not the right fit, do not be afraid to switch to someone else. Not every counsellor is good for everyone. Do not let a bad experience, or even a not great experience shut you off. Dig deeper and find someone who works for you. 

• Stick with it for more than a couple of months. From personal experience, it takes wayyyy longer than 6-8 sessions to really experience significant growth. Honestly, it probably took me the first nine months to really get into the nitty gritty stuff. 

• Don’t be afraid to take a break/go back. Neither of those things are “failure”. Both taking a break to process for a set amount of time, and going back, are signs of strength. Both are signs of self-awareness and are necessary parts of growth.

Proverbs 20:18 

Plans succeed through good counsel; don’t go to war without wise advice.

2. Take care of your body.

You have probably heard this a million times. But that is because it is SO NECESSARY. Eating well. Exercising. Sleeping regularly. Staying hydrated (I suck at that one). See a doctor when things are not right. Get medication if it is going to help you. There is a reason that people use the phrase “take care”. It’s because you should take care of yourself. Literally.

1 Corinthians 6:19

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

3. Surround yourself by people who see you.

This one was a game changer for me. When you feel surrounded by people who are not able to see you for all of the light that you bring, you stop being able to see it yourself. When I started to surround myself with only people who saw it and saw me, I started being able to see it more clearly. The enemy is already going to make you doubt yourself; you don’t need to let in more people who are going to reinforce those lies. To read more about letting people go with grace while also learning to let new people in, read part 4 of this blog series.

The Bible talks a lot about community and the church. It talks about accountability and sharpening one another. I have come to realize that you can let people in who speak life into you and still be sharpened by them. I love to be challenged but I think for so long I thought that in order to be challenged and therefore sharpened, I had to let people in who were difficult for me to understand and who drained me. The cool thing is that every person you meet will challenge you. Give yourself permission to invite people who will love you well in addition to challenging you.

Romans 12:5  

In the same way, even though we are many individuals, Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other.

4. Uncover the lies.

We are all blind to something. We are also all blind to things in ourselves. Take some time to start uncovering the things you are blind to. Whether with a counsellor, friends, or God, start unpacking lies that you have been believing. Then take out the lie and replace it with truth.

An example: when things in my life felt chaotic or out of control, I felt overwhelmed and alone. When things are chaotic, I believe the lie that I am alone and dealing with it on my own. The truth is that God is in that chaos with me and that I have no reason to let fear overwhelm me because He is there. If you have ever taken a ride in my car, you will see that the phrase,“He is in the boat with you” is written on the steering wheel (among others). It is there as a consistent reminder that I am not alone in the chaos. 

Write down the truths that you need to be reminded of. Put them in places where you will see them frequently. Slowly but surely, you will start to believe them and you will find that the lies don’t seem as loud.

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

5. Value yourself enough to do what you need to.

This might be the most difficult part. You will need to give yourself space. You will need to give yourself grace. You will need to give yourself time to heal. You will need to fight for what you need to heal. You may have to do all of these things and more. But here's the thing: if you don’t see how valuable the work is and how valuable you are to deserve better, you will lose momentum. You will question yourself and your choices. You will back down and you will lose motivation. I have. 

I hope that you can learn to see that you are worth it. Your value as a person does not come from the work that you do on yourself. You deserve that work to be done because you are already valuable and you deserve to not be hindered by those hurts and insecurities any longer. You are worth fighting for.

photo by Michelle Sypkes

To finish the series I wanted to list the things that I want for you on your journey:

I want you to believe that abundance is for you.

I want you to feel the exhaustion of healing and realize that is sometimes what progress feels like.

I want you to love yourself for where you are at. Whether you are struggling, free or somewhere in between.

I want you to find people who cherish you and hold every part of you close.

I want you to discover a new life filled with freedom.

I want you to struggle a little, because in the struggle is where we learn where to put our roots.

I want you to fail, and then learn to give yourself enough grace to try again.

I want you to fight for the help that you need.

I want to see lies be broken off of you.

I want truth and the One who created you to be where your value stems from. Because they are unshakeable. And one day you will be too.

Luke 6:48

He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.