Heres the thing about being 22
What do you do when you feel like you have messed up so badly that you don’t know who you are anymore?
You avoid writing. That I can tell you for sure.
What do you do when you have so many realizations about your brokenness that you basically shut down?
You bottle it all up and then sob to your roommate as soon as they walk through the door and say “how was your day?”.
What do you do when you feel so settled but yet so lost all at the same time?
I don't know. Do you?
Being in your 20s is a freaking wild ride. Half the time - okay, maybe 10% of the time, you are like, “Oh yes, I totally know what I'm doing!” and the rest of the time you feel like a little kid in adult clothing. But that 10% can provide such a high that carries you through some of the bumps and twists and really thick, seemingly immovable concrete walls in your way (don’t worry; the 10% also helps you climb). But then one day, you run out of steam. You sit in silence for a while and all the doubts, questions, and hurts climb out of the crevices into which you shoved them. You look at all those painful thoughts and think, “Why are you here? I thought I dealt with you...”; “All I need is a little more confidence again and poof! you will all be gone again.”; or, “If I just drown you out with all the things that make me happy, maybe it will be like you all don’t exist.”
Except it won’t work the way you want. You can only shove your problems and hurt into the deep crevices of your mind for so long before they resurface again. Some people, most people actually, become professional emotion shovers. They shove things down for years and years until one day they convince themselves that the emotions don’t exist. But what people don’t realize is that those thoughts, doubts, and pain will come out. They come out through addictions, through bursts of unsolicited anger, through anxiety, through depression, and many other ways. They can say that those issues are “totally unrelated”. Maybe they are, but chances are that they’re not. Chances are that those are just signs of deeper pain and brokenness just bursting to be seen.
So what now? Did you think that I have answers? Barely. I have ideas…
Here is what I know. A problem doesn’t get solved by ignoring its existence. Trust me; I have learned that the hard way. I have “solved” a problem by going in the complete opposite direction for over ten years only to find out that the problem never actually left. Talk about a wake up call. Also a major bummer.
I also know that facing something deep and dark head on will always involve a few things:
More time than you think;
More support than you think;
More pain than you think; and
Opening more doors to other deep and dark thoughts (yup, that sounds fun).
*Just a little heads up - if you haven't experienced those four, you may not have actually dealt with something head on. Sorry to burst your bubble.*
DISCLAIMER: Jesus absolutely has the ability to heal in an instant. I just believe that the majority of the time, He doesn't. I also believe that He doesn’t because He loves us (longer story but maybe read my series about anxiety. It’ll probably clear some things up).
I don’t think there is one way (other than Jesus) to heal. I don’t think there is a step-by-step process that leads every single person out of the pain they’re in. In my vast 22 years of experience on this earth, what I can deduce is that you have to just keep taking steps forward.
I know. What a load of help I am.
Today, I was writing a letter to a friend and I wrote something that I wanna include here: “Who knows how long the journey will take, but at least you have good company for the road ahead.” I have this friend. Let’s call Him Jesus (cuz that's His name). He is really good company when it comes to pain and healing. I can’t guarantee a timeline on healing. I can’t tell you when you will start to taste freedom for the first time. But I know that when we ask, He answers, and when we knock, He opens the door.
He is the best company for the long, winding road of healing. He is the reason I keep going. He is what I will always yearn for more of and will always go running back to.
To all my friends who are in their 20s, I see you. Being here is hard but now is when you start to make choices about whether you continue to shove away the pain or start walking towards freedom. Choose freedom. Choose to walk with the One who is always patient, always kind, and Who will never fail you. It can feel like you are choosing to make your 20s harder than they already are, but I actually think it just makes them fuller. But it’s your choice. Totally up to you.