Endings and New Beginnings

When I was deep in the pit, want to know what lifted me out? Finding new people to love. A year ago I felt so empty. God had put me through a whole journey of loving a little girl so deeply that sometimes I felt like I was bursting at the seams. It was like God had poured so much into me that I was overflowing. Then she was gone. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I also had a broken wrist so not only did I feel broken apart but completely useless. It was a time in my life that felt like the state of my body was a direct depiction of how my soul was.

As awful as that time sounds, it was a key piece of my personal transformation. The next key piece came just as my wrist healed. A job at Indwell. My job would be to engage tenants in recreational activities for a few months in the summer. It was a change. Change in city, change in context, and a change in me. As I stepped into my role, I felt like I was stepping into myself in ways I never had before. It was a time that I saw the tangible change from the person I was and a few steps closer to who I knew I was called to be.

There is something truly beautiful in new beginnings. Maybe I am just easily bored and prone to dream, but fresh starts give me energy and motivation unlike anything else. Starting at Indwell was a fresh start. But it also gave me the space to pour out all that was in me. It felt like once again God was pouring into me so much that it bubbled over. I got to love deeply again.

I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t the same. I don’t know if anything will ever be the same as loving that little girl. But that is not what I needed. I didn’t need to replace her. I needed to move forward without her while still holding her in my heart. To learn to do that is an act of surrender and learning to hope again. 

Indwell taught me a lot and continues to. More than teaching me, it was a space of healing. It showed me that there was still an abundant life that God had for me. It was there that God showed me so much of who He created me to be. 

A lot of people are afraid of change. They are afraid of endings and new beginnings. They don’t know what to expect, what bumps will come and they crave stability not change. There are so many people who talk about life being on the other side of your comfort zone. One of my favourite places to meet with God is anywhere outside of my comfort zone. It’s often where my capacity ends and God’s begins. What a beautiful place to be where God’s capacity is carrying you.

One last thing: I love the beauty of new beginnings, but they still scare the crap out of me. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t seem to get easier. I have to brace myself and keep talking myself into every new beginning. My point being: just because they are scary does not mean that you don’t go through with it. It means you learn to do it anyway. It means you learn to lean on God’s strength. 

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.