Taking my place as a challenger: A story of me getting mad in a Starbucks

I have always been someone who has a hard time holding my tongue. When I am thinking something, it usually comes out of my mouth. As with most things, God uses that for good and the enemy uses it for evil. The trick is knowing which is which, knowing when to lean in and when to step back. I have had quite a few situations where God has called me into bold moments that have been incredible moments filled with His power. However, there have been many moments that I didn’t handle the best.

One of those moments happened at the beginning of March. As you may have guessed by the title, it was in a Starbucks. There was a group of myself and some other young adults catching up after a conference. One of the people whom I didn’t know made a comment that frankly was just a dumb thing to say (in my opinion). I pretty much lost it immediately. I didn’t let him get a word in. I just went off lecturing this dude who, again… I did not know. Poor dude. I told him that the only reason that he could make that comment is because of how privileged he was and that if he knew vulnerable people who were being affected by the issue at hand then he would not have said that. In my mind, I was thinking about 36 individuals that I work with who are vulnerable. I also may have mentioned that his privilege came from his ability to choose whether or not he engages in this issue…. Yea, I really went off...

LISTEN. I don’t think I was wrong. I think that all the things I said were the truth and needed to be acknowledged. However, the delivery was maybe a little… too intense for someone I had literally just met…. okay, way too intense. To be clear, I definitely recognized it in the moment and apologized very quickly. Especially since I felt like all of the air had literally been sucked out of the room. 

For as long as I can remember, I have had this internal fire. It mostly comes out when I see something that is unjust, marginalizing, or just plain wrong. I feel a deep need to speak up for people who are being treated unfairly. I see clearly when people shy away from things that are hard. I feel the need to push people into spaces that are uncomfortable. I have seen so many people (including myself) meet God in the messy, uncomfortable, and constant change. The idea of not pushing people towards God and growth feels foolish. 

The truth is that I am only just beginning to feel less shame about being a challenger. I think that I was taught for so long that speaking up was something to be ashamed of. I find that many, if not most, churches teach you how to be a doormat. They teach you to be okay with getting walked all over. In a sense, I think this holds some validity. There will be spaces where you need to turn the other cheek. There will be many situations where you need to be mindful of the power of your words. There will certainly be relationships where you will need to surrender “power” to greater authorities. But I also think that we need to be mindful that each of us holds different spaces of calling in the Kingdom of God. Some of us are meant to be challengers. 

Another aspect that has been a difficulty as I step into being a challenger has been the fact that I am a girl. Honestly, for so long I felt like I was told that being a challenger or speaking boldly was unattractive or that it would “scare guys away”. I am finally at a point where I have realized that if someone is not attracted to me because of my boldness, it’s probably not going to work out anyway. Being bold is not a sin. Being bold is not “unladylike”. Being bold is following in the footsteps that were already walked by Esther, Tamar, Ruth, and Rahab. I am done feeling shame for boldness. Some of us are meant to be challengers, “even if” we are women.

As one of those people, I ask for grace. I am certainly going to get it wrong. I am going to take it too far (sometimes I will be called to take it too far, just saying). I am going to have moments that are prideful and when I get the timing wrong. 

To my fellow challengers: I know how it feels to have your blood boil over injustice. I know how infuriating it is to watch people chicken out of their potential. To see the most beautiful parts of someone and then watch them choose not to engage their giftings.

I also know that people are prideful, manipulative, broken, loved and valuable all in the same breath. We all need grace. There are ways to challenge people while also coming from a place of deep love. There are ways to call people out while not undermining their value. There are ways to demand justice while still remaining curious and humble.

It is important to remember that we are only tools that God chooses to use. If challenging someone is coming from anything other than purely God, we need to check ourselves. To go even deeper, we can speak the absolute truth about a situation but also have a heart that only sees the worst in someone. We need to enter into situations by having God’s heart for one another and then speak the truth.

It is normal for you to make mistakes and learn from them. As I figure out how to be a challenger and how to foster it well, I am going to make mistakes. So to the guy I got mad at in Starbucks, I’m sorry. I know I already said it. But I didn’t have any grace for you and that was wrong. I am truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me.