A false light is the worst kind of darkness

So lately, because of the COVID pandemic, I have been watching a lot of movies. For most people, movies are a very normal part of life, but I am not usually a movie watcher unless I am watching a documentary or am watching with a big group of people. Watching a movie by myself is rare and is usually a sign that I am not doing well. However, both of my roommates love movies and therefore we have been watching movies upon movies upon movies. 

So naturally, being the overthinker I am, I have been having these moments where a line hits me in a funny way or a character or concept feels deeper than what is obvious. Of course there are also many times when my reflection has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and everything to do with what God’s been teaching me recently.

During one of the movies we were watching, I was hit with this line in my head “a false light is the worst kind of darkness”. It is like when darkness puts on a mask to trick us and confuse us. It tricks us into following it instead of the one true light. It only leads us further into the darkness instead of out. 

It’s like when I am feeling a ton of emotions and so I bury myself in my phone to numb myself. It’s like when you chase fame, success, or achievement to make yourself feel worthy of affection and love. It’s like when you chase relationship after relationship, hoping that someone will fill the deep hole inside of you that someone else left behind. It's like when you make endless to-do lists in order to feel like less of a failure. It's like when you throw yourself into every exciting opportunity just hoping that you will somehow find your place in this world.

There are countless examples of how we numb, compare, twist, and manipulate everything around us so that we can live comfortably. We don’t have to come face to face with those deep wounds or positions of our heart that need work. We just need a new remedy. A new false light to lull us into feeling safe enough.

I don’t want to be safe enough anymore. I want to be truly safe in the only way that truly counts. As a child of God. I want the light of Jesus to be the one that lights up each and every dark corner filled with shame and insecurity. But how do I even do that? Where do I start? Is it never okay to numb or find ways to cope?

I think it should be noted that in order to process, some of us need more space than others to let things settle before we start to slowly chip away at problem areas. I personally think that is totally okay. We all work at our own speed and sometimes the absence of true light is what brings us to realize the darkness we are truly in. I do, however, think that some of us need to come to terms that we have clung for far too long to false light. Some of us have even decided to name that false light “Jesus” in order to convince ourselves into complacency with darkness. Watch out for that. That is dangerous. Don’t give Jesus characteristics that are not His. 

I think that “to start” means understanding that this life is not meant to be comfortable. Growth is messy, imperfect, and at times painful. To expect otherwise is to not be realistic and to be unprepared. One of my favourite examples is a simple seed. In order for a seed to grow, it needs to break completely open. It often looks like death. Like a snake shedding its skin, it gets really ugly before the new life can begin. I think sometimes when it gets messy and ugly, we get scared. We question everything and if any good could ever possibly come out of this mess. But that is the nature of most things. If we lull ourselves into believing that the false light in our lives is safe “enough”, sure, we are saving ourselves from the messy and painful, but we are also missing out on the fullness of healing, growth and new life.

So what will you choose? A comfortable but false sense of security? Or will you be bold and embrace everything that comes with true growth and healing? The choice is up to you.