My Journey with Anxiety: What if I don't like myself without anxiety? (PART 3)

Unpopular opinion: My life felt way more put together when I was anxious all the time.

Anxiety affects people differently (probably because we are all different people). For me, anxiety kept me performing at a staggeringly high level and pace. My environment and the world around me valued accomplishment and doing everything, and doing it well. I'm not saying that value was a bad thing. I am saying that I had no context of how to give myself grace. Every time I wouldn’t meet my impossibly high standards, I would consider myself a failure. And it was so hard to shake.

It felt like when you take off a sticker and there is still residue left behind. That residue of the sticker seems impossible to get rid of. No matter how many times you try to scratch it off, there always seems to be a little bit left. You have to end up getting a cleaner to get rid of a silly little sticker spot. In the same way, it would take me so long to shake the feeling of not being enough. It could be one tiny little moment, but because I was constantly battling with inadequacy, little moments turned into huge cleaning jobs. Therefore, being in an environment that valued accomplishment, I worked really hard not to “fail”.

When I started to work through and let go of some of my anxious habits and tendencies, I began to “fail” more. That was hard. I knew that I needed freedom, but I honestly did not like who I was becoming. I felt lazy, pathetic, and inadequate. It took a long time to get to a point where I started to see the benefits of letting go of anxiety (I still am). Anxiety made me feel driven and like a go getter. But the thing is that when those things are being spurred on my anxiety, it’s not sustainable.

When I started to let go of anxiety, I also went through a season of feeling so lost. I didn’t realize how much I had let anxiety make my decisions until big parts of anxiety had left. I had no clue how to make decisions. I didn’t even know where to start. I had to refigure out what I valued and who I wanted to be. It is really confusing when you let go of something and expect to find blissful freedom and instead end up with more questions and feeling more lost than you were before.

Like I said in the last post, sometimes that is just a part of growth. Growth is uncomfortable. I wish that I could say that when you grow, every moment feels so life giving and that transformation feels like a picturesque moment that you have been waiting for. And those moments do happen, but more often than not, it is uncomfortable and disorienting and sometimes feels like you have made a huge mistake.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

I am starting to get my footing now, but I still have MANY moments of questioning who I am and who I am becoming. I often wonder if I even like who I am becoming. As I write this, I am having one of those days. A day where I look up at my life and see how much I don’t have figured out and feel like a complete mess. But that’s when you turn to great friends who remind you that you are awesome and loved. Not just awesome and loved by people but also by God.

One year ago, I was nannying and experienced a love that I still have a hard time putting into words. God put me into the life of a little girl who taught me how to love without holding back. The person I became in that house as I spent hours laughing with her and holding her felt like the best version of me. It was in that house that I saw a version of myself without anxiety and saw beauty in myself at the same time. I saw beauty in the way that I loved her, not for everything that I could do. The love that I had for her was not from me. I felt like a vessel. I felt like God’s love for her poured into me and out of me. It also felt like I had no control over that love. Normally the feeling of being out of control would scare me, but that was a space where I felt totally at peace. I was in exactly the right place at the right time.

Then she left. I fell apart. I thought I would never be okay again. I missed who I was when I was with her. I thought that I had lost not only her, but myself as well. But God is restoring me, slowly but surely. I have started to see glimpses of the love I had for her in the way I love others. I am slowly but surely reuniting with unabashed joy.

In my moments of questioning who I am and who I am becoming, I remember her. I remember the love I had for her and the person I was while I loved her. I remember the words of a good friend who told me that part of me was not lost forever and it would come back to me. In my moments of questioning if I even like who I am without anxiety, I remember that I can’t see the whole picture but I can choose to focus on God’s abundance. Because His abundance is something that I have seen and experienced and could never pretend otherwise. His abundance came in the form of a sweet little girl and His abundance also exists outside of her.

If you have been afraid to let go of something because of the fear of who you will be without it, I know how that feels. But I also now know how it feels when you let that go and I think it’s worth it. If you are currently learning to let go but struggling, give yourself grace and centre yourself on the abundance that God has for you. It may not look like what you expect (in fact, it probably won’t), but it will be worth it.

This question of “What if I don’t like who I am without anxiety?” hit me pretty hard a couple of months ago. I feel like when people share about anxiety or different hurdles that they’ve overcome, they only talk about who they were before and then skip right to when they were walking in complete or partial freedom. Not many talk about the in-between stage where everything feels awkward, out of place and confusing. I’m talking about it because you need to know that it’s okay to go through that. It’s healthy and normal, and it’s a space where God still exists, even if Christians don’t always talk about it. When we choose to sit in a space of emptiness and confusion, that’s where we can let God in to fill us up again. Don’t let the discomfort overcome you. Let Him in.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1