My Journey with Anxiety: What if the journey never ends? (PART 2)
They say that anxiety is exhausting. I have definitely seen and felt that. Being on edge at all times is exhausting. Our bodies were not made to be in fight or flight at all times. But as tiring as anxiety can be, I think something that people don’t tell you is that healing is exhausting. Working on yourself intentionally is tiring. Taking the time to wade deep into every deep hurt and fear and sort out the truth from the lies is tiring.
When we start to heal, we often have to re-experience hurt and fears all over again - sometimes over and over again as we sort it out and learn to move forward. That is no joke. It is difficult and exhausting. It also takes time. You can’t rush through healing. You also can’t decide when you are done healing; you just have to let the process happen to you. And on top of it all, while you let the process happen to you, it can feel like every messy part of you is on display in front of your eyes. It is isolating and can feel like you’ll get swallowed up by the mess. It can feel like all you are is the mess. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end or if I’ll ever be able to just rest in freedom.
I read this in my journal the other day: “This phase of life has been like opening a can of worms and not realizing how messy it would be.” I wrote that in February of 2018. Over a year and a half ago, and I still feel that way.
Don’t get me wrong. I have grown and had so many breakthroughs since then. But that is the other part of healing. One breakthrough is not the end. Finding little bits of freedom is only the beginning. Each breakthrough seems to bring me to a new hurdle. It can make you question if the breakthrough was even real. Or at least, I question it.
Here’s a tip as you go through your journey of healing: appreciate every little victory and every little peek into freedom. Hold it close. Write it down. Read it when things get hard again. Remember that for every painful moment that you experience, you are one step closer to freedom.
There is so much importance in growth and being intentional in digging into the difficult and hurtful parts of life. That is where I have seen God’s love and grace the most. To me, it’s a clear sign that that’s where we need to be. Wherever God is working is where I want to be. It is an incredible thing to be able to look back on the person you used to be and see how God has shaped you into the person you are becoming. For me, it started with small steps of faith... “God, whatever you have to do to make me into the leader that you want me to be, do it”; “I don’t want to feel this way anymore”; “Be the healer of my heart because I can’t do it.”
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
A question I have asked myself is this: What if struggling is my new normal? What if I never see full freedom? The hard thing is that I don’t know. I can’t tell you that I’ll ever fully work through all the mess. I can’t tell you that you will, either. All I know is that I would rather be struggling and growing if it means that I see God’s heart more and more each day. That is where transformation happens. It makes the struggle so worth it. It doesn’t always feel that way. But as I look back at who I was before I started this journey, I see a person who I don’t recognize anymore. I love who I am becoming as I let God’s grace and love transform me.
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
Joel 2:13
I have found that as the journey stretches out, I can be really hard on myself. I can put the pressure of healing onto me. Like if I just wanted it bad enough or if I just tried harder, then I would have full healing already. I’ve had to come to terms may times with learning to just sit in the journey in every ebb and flow and be content that that’s just where I am. Because even when things are hard and painful, God is still good. Just because our circumstances suck doesn’t mean that God does. When the journey is long, it’s not because of an inadequacy in you. It is long because things take time to grow. When a plant grows, the seed has to be broken first. If you didn’t know better, it looks like death. It looks like something is going seriously wrong.
In the same way, when we grow, it can look messy, broken and wrong, but in reality, it’s just a part of growth. Instead of being hard on myself for not growing faster, being stronger, or being less messy, I choose grace. I choose to embrace healing for everything that it is. Will you?
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5: 3-5