My Journey with Anxiety: Abundance and Freedom (PART 1)
“The Lord our God spoke to us at Horeb, saying, ‘You have stayed long enough on this mountain.” - Deuteronomy 1:6
This was the verse that made me start to believe that I could one day let go of the anxiety that I held so dear. For so long, anxiety felt like the one thing that kept me safe. It was my way of feeling in control. It felt stable even if I wasn’t. It felt like something I could lean on and use as an excuse. I used it as a reason to push people away. I used it as an excuse not to take risks or opportunities even if they were meant for me. I also used it as a reason to stay where I shouldn’t have.
Anxiety has been a part of my story for a long time. But I am excited to say that is becoming less and less prevalent every day. It doesn’t have a hold on me as often. Freedom and abundance are within reach. I can feel it.
DISCLAIMER:
**IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH ANXIETY, DO NOT TAKE THIS MOMENT AS ONE OF SHAME. IT IS NOT. I still struggle and I am only speaking from my perspective on my journey through anxiety. My perspectives are unique to my story and therefore are not going to be applicable to everyone or even most people. I hope you know that your story is unique to you and is also one worth sharing. If you find something about my story helpful, great. If none of this applies to you, that is okay, too. We all have different experiences and things to teach others and things to learn from others. If you would like someone to talk to about your journey with anxiety, mental health, etc., I would love to be a listening ear for your beautiful and unique story.**
It was around two years ago that I heard Deuteronomy 1:6 for the first time. I was reading Joyce Meyer’s “Battlefield of the Mind” and she talked about this verse. She explained that the context of the verse was that God was calling the Israelites off Mount Horeb because it was better for them elsewhere. They were comfortable on that mountain. It wasn’t the best but they had been through so much trauma that it finally felt like a stable place to be. In the same way, God can call us out of certain things so that we can live the life that we are called to: one of abundance. That hit me hard. That was a moment for me that I started to see that abundance and freedom could be a part of my life one day.
Something that I have really realized in my life is that when God calls you into a new season, space, or calling, it doesn’t mean that it will be all butterflies and rainbows. In fact, there may be very few of those. One of those first difficulties that I encountered on my journey was other people’s opinions. I was told by so many people that I could just pray and be healed. IT CAN BE SO EASY TO BE UPSET AND HURT BY THOSE WORDS. HOWEVER, we always have a choice regarding how we react. We can always choose to see the best in people instead of taking every comment as a personal attack on who we are. With that in mind, here are the conclusions that I came to: I don’t think they had bad intentions. I think they actually had beautiful intentions. They wanted healing for me so bad and they didn’t want me to have to wrestle with things that I didn’t need to. When you see people hurting, I think it is very natural to want healing for them, and to pray for that is a beautiful thing.
Even if instantaneous healing is not what they need.
Even if instantaneous healing is not what God has for them.
Because here's the thing: healing, whether it’s the slow and agonizing kind or the fast and whirlwind kind, God wants abundance for us. It is God’s abundance that we need to be focused on because His abundance shows up. When we focus on His abundance, others' words don’t cut as deeply because we start to see that their heart is also focused on that abundance.
Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security." - Jeremiah 33:6
I knew in my gut that healing wouldn’t be a quick fix for me. I knew my heart and I knew God’s heart for me. I know that so much of God’s heart is in the slow moving and tiny changes. I appreciated every prayer for healing and relief. As hard as it was sometimes, it reminded me that God’s will was for me to eventually be healed and His heart was for an abundant life for me. But it is in that slow and steady growth where my roots grow deep in God’s heart for me.
I think I learned more about God’s heart for me in the slow and painful growth than I would have if I had been healed in an instant. I learned to rely on God in so many ways because of the slow process. I”m still learning.
I also learned so much about loving other people well. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully vocalize my appreciation for the people who loved me so well where I was instead of where I could be... for the people who asked me questions about how they could support me while I was having a panic attack, or the people who continued to listen to me talk in circles about the same issues as I struggled to find my footing (special thanks goes to my counsellor Gina - because dang girl, did I ever talk in circles). I will be eternally grateful. You were the ones who taught me that I was worthy of grace. And you showed me how to extend it not only to others but also to myself.
In the slow and steady and painful and heart-aching growth and healing is where I found out that God is in it with you. He loves us deeply and will not leave you when you feel like you are being drowned by your hurt, anxiety, and fear. He wants freedom and abundance for you. That is the truth. But the freedom and abundance He has for you will not always look like it does for others. Do not believe the lies that if you only had enough faith, you would be healed completely. Healing does not always look like that. God is so much bigger than one moment of faith and there should be no shame in journeying through anxiety to find little bits of freedom along the way.
"Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD, be my help.’ You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy" - Psalm 30:10-11