Loving Deeply, Grieving Deeply

When I learned to grieve, I learned a very valuable lesson. When I learned to love a little girl deeply, it meant that I was also choosing to eventually grieve deeply. Loving deeply is a risk worth taking… even if that risk could break you apart for a while.

Most people will avoid pain at all costs. It makes sense; why would we choose pain? But sometimes pain is necessary. Sometimes pain is the only way to grow into who we were created to be.

I think that when we learn to grieve well, and when we learn to grieve alongside a God who is sustaining us, we get a small glimpse into how God loves. There is a part of grief that can show us a glimpse into unconditional love. When we grieve deeply, it is often because we have loved deeply. I don’t know anyone who loves deeper that God. I think it is important to realize that a part of that love, is also grief (we do see/hear Jesus/God grieve in the Bible).

Jesus wept.

John 11:25

If I had chosen not to grieve her and “move past” it quickly, I would be making a very important choice. I would be choosing to frame our relationship in such a way that it didn’t matter as much. When a relationship is meaningful to us, we experience pain when it ends. When we choose not to let it hurt us, we choose to see it as less meaningful. And in that, we miss out on the depth of healing that can occur later.

Sometimes the pain is so great that denial is the only way to start grieving. But that is not where you should finish your journey of grief. That is where I started. I felt like I couldn’t be sad because I was “just the nanny” or that I had made our relationship better in my head than it was in real life. I wouldn’t let myself grieve because I didn’t think that I had the “right" to grieve her.

Eventually, I had to come to the realization that everything about my relationship with her was not only real, but God-given. It felt like God had given me this beautiful gift and I could choose if I wanted to embrace that gift for all that came with it (both the depth of love and grief) or if I wanted to make it less valuable so that I could hurt less in the moment.

He heals the broken-hearted, and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

The Lord is near the broken hearted; He delivers those who are discouraged.

Psalm 34:18

The world and even the church will often tell you to “just be positive”. But there are times when being positive is not only dishonest but also counterproductive. Being positive causes us to get stuck and become unable to move through pain (which is inevitable). Being unable to move through pain cuts us off from seeing so much of God’s heart for redemption and restoration.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

There is something else that happens when we try to “be positive”. Instead of digging deep and searching for healing, it can make us bury those hurts down so deep that they become a part of our identity and we can no longer see them as something that simply needs care and time to heal. I can guarantee that just because we cannot see how our wounds affect our lives and relationships with people, does not mean that they don’t exist. It just means that we don’t see it. Just because we bury hurt doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means it doesn’t exist to us.

Here is how you know the difference between burying and healing: freedom. There is a huge change that occurs when you choose healing instead of burying. It is obvious to both you and others. If you are questioning whether or not you have buried something or healed from something, that is a red flag that maybe at least part of it is still buried. Because when you experience healing, it is undeniable.

Also, I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will take away the stoney heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26

Grief is not only necessary, but transformational. By choosing to grieve, you are choosing to come face to face with pain and instead of denying the power it has, you are choosing to see it for all that it is and move through it. When you move through it, you are not only restored; you are transformed.

By choosing to embrace pain, we learn to hear God’s voice clearer. We learn to sit and listen even when our pain and hurt can be so loud. By choosing to grieve, we get to know His heart for us deeper. We get to feel God draw in close as we hurt and experience His healing as we move through grief or hurt. By choosing to move through instead of being positive, we are choosing transformation while sitting in the hands of the only One who could ever fully transform us.

Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7