An open letter to the little girl who changed my life.

I truly hope that one day you read this, because I mean every word. I love you sweet girl.

I met you at only a matter of weeks old. You were so tiny, I was afraid to touch you because you seemed so pure and fragile. I feared that I would break you. You scared me. Not because of anything that you had done, but because I was insecure. I believed that exactly who I was, was not enough, that I needed to learn everything about babies, before I could care for one well. I remember wondering how long you would be around. I remember looking at you, so tiny and believing that you were the beginning of a new season for my dear friend who would be your temporary mother.

I remember the first time I felt a real connection with you. I had watched you grow for many months and begun to feel comfortable. I watched you and your siblings the night before your family moved. All three of you were sick. I remember hearing you cry out. I hesitantly went into your room, picked you up and began to rock you in my arms. I remember praying “God, I don’t know what she needs, help me.” And then you fell asleep in my arms. My confidence soared. To be a person who is a safe place for a child is one of the most powerful and magical moments in the world. You taught me that.

As time went on, I got to watch your love for food grow. I was able to watch your hilarious and charming personality develop. I loved every minute. Being able to be a part of your life was such a gift to me and brought me so much joy. Then your little sister came along right before the summer and life got very hectic for your family, which honestly was a blessing for me, because it meant that I was around your family (and you) even more.

By the time fall came around, I was nannying you and your little sister a couple of mornings a week. She mostly slept, and I got to spend so much time giggling and playing with you. I watched you learn to talk and walk. I couldn’t get enough of you. We wouldn’t even do anything special; we would just be together. It was more than enough.

One of my favourite memories shows the very sweetness of you. I was making your lunch in the kitchen and you crawled up behind me and kissed me on the back of the leg. My heart melted as I said “Oh thank you, so sweet.” You then proceeded to kiss the back of my other leg and then back and forth for the next minute. You always made me laugh.

You were not necessarily a cuddly little girl. You were independent and I would always wait for you to come to me. I will never forget the moments when you weren't feeling well and you would come over to me on the couch and curl up in my lap and fall asleep. It was like that first beautiful moment together. I knew in those moments that you trusted me and loved me too.

The last time that we ever spent time together, just the two of us, I was cherishing every moment because I didn’t know when it would be the last time. You had just turned two and were starting to not look like a little baby anymore. I put you to bed, even though I wanted to snuggle and laugh with you longer and as I left the room, I said like I always did, “goodnight, I love you.” And for the first time, you replied and said “love you”. In that moment, things felt final. I felt like God had given me a gift of one last beautiful moment with you. Later, when I gave myself the space to process that moment, I broke like I had never broken before. I sobbed uncontrollably as I fully realized the absolute gift from God that you have been in my life for the past two years.

As I learn to say goodbye to you, I can’t help but be saddened that I don’t get to watch you continue to grow up. It has been beautiful to watch your story be so obviously written by God. From the family who fostered and loved you for the first two years of your life, to the amazing family who is adopting you and will love you forever, I am not worried about you. I know that God has you in His more than capable hands. But I am sad. My heart has truly been broken. But yet, I would have it no other way. I feel incredibly lucky to have been a small part of your story and to have gotten the opportunity to love you. That is a beautiful way to be broken.

I thank God that He put you in my life. He used you to teach me what unconditional love looks like. I used to always scoop you up into my arms and I always made sure to tell you that I loved you. So I hope that you know how much I love you sweet girl, thank you for changing my life forever. I hope that you are always able to know how deeply loved you are.