Grief, Growth, and Grace
I was always afraid of breaking a bone. I thought it would be agony and that the pain would be overwhelming. Then I broke my wrist and sat in emerg for 11 hours and realized that breaking a bone wasn't that bad; it was just super inconvenient. The worst part of breaking a bone is not the initial break... it’s how long it takes to heal.
It kind of reminds me of grief. The initial break is shocking; it stuns you and you don't fully grasp what is happening. Coming to terms with how your life will change can be overwhelming to think about. You have moments of emptiness and you have moments filled with questions. If you are like me, you will try and convince yourself that you are fine. But the truth about healing is that the pain doesn't leave just because you declare that you are fine. Healing begins when you see your pain for what it fully is and allow God to be the healer of your heart.
If this past season has taught me anything, it has taught me that God delights in us running to Him with our broken hearts. I think that as we learn to do that more, we realize how much we need Him and we learn how to surrender the deepest parts of ourselves.
Finally giving myself permission to grieve, to be sad, and to be upset, was a step into freedom in a way I couldn’t have imagined. It was never a case of faking fine to the people around me; I had truly convinced myself that I was fine. I never knew how much I held back before. Holding things back is not only dishonest to yourself but it puts up a wall between you and God. It can make you feel more in control of your life, but control does not equal freedom.
One thing I really underestimated was the random hits of grief. Every time I drive up to my friend’s house, I have to mentally prepare myself that they have one less sweet girl excited to greet me. I was watching a show and a character had her name. Hearing it felt like a punch to my stomach. I have learned that you will have good days where you believe you have come through it and you will have days when being happy seems so out of reach. In those days, there are are three essential things to remember:
Give yourself grace. Not every day will go as planned, and that is okay. As someone who loves planning my days and getting a lot done, I have had to let that go. Be kind to yourself.
Give yourself space. When things don't go as planned, when you get hit with grief, when you just feel sad, don’t be afraid to give yourself space to feel it. Sit with God, let others pray for you, and don’t put an expectation on how long it will take.
You will not be here forever. “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
I used to be so afraid of pain. I used to be afraid to feel it because I thought it would swallow me up. I wanted to just “be positive”, but being positive wasn’t honest. Being honest is messy. But once pain is felt and experienced, that is when the healing process begins.