Fighting for Freedom — Love Your World

Freedom is something that I have desperately wanted for a long time. I have been told a few times that if I just prayed and asked for freedom then, BAM! Freedom could be mine. I don’t think that those people had bad intentions and I think that in God’s timing we can experience “‘BAM’ freedom”. But it is not the case for all of us and certainly wasn’t for me. When I think of God’s heart for me, I know that “‘BAM’ freedom” was not what I needed. I needed to learn the art of slowly but surely pushing anxiety out. It is in the slow that I learned the most about God’s love for me -a love that doesn’t change if I am having a good day or a bad month, a love that has grace for me even when I can’t see it.

For so long, I let anxiety make my choices for me. Honestly, I didn’t see it when I was in it. But at some point I started to push back. I started to try new things and began to discover freedom. Step by step, I was gaining ground back. I think I was sick of being nervous about seemingly dumb things. Now that I can see things more clearly, I don’t want to stop trying things that freak me out. I actually decided to make a list of things that I have either wanted to try but haven’t because of feelings of anxiety or just things that make me feel anxious. To be fair, quite a few of them I can’t really plan for, so I am not giving myself a timeline to complete them. I am also not going to share the list. I hope to share about most of those items as I overcome them or in hindsight where needed.

As I mentioned, I have already started, so here are five:

Babies - yes, babies - made me super nervous. As you might already know, I overcame this through a nannying job helping out my friend as she not only raised her own two children but also fostered two beautiful babies. This experience has been one of the most transformative seasons of my life. If you want to read more about that you can read about it here.
Food - if you know me at all, then you know that I have had some pretty extensive health issues for most of my life. Most of those issues have still gone undiagnosed after two years of searching for answers. For so long, my family and I had no clue what was triggering these issues and so I just stopped trying new foods altogether. Now that we have begun to discover some answers, I have stepped into freedom by trying new foods. (The other night, I had duck for the first time, and WOW!)
Camping - beginning around the age of about 13, I had kidney/bladder issues for a few summers in a row while I was camping. I would choose not to engage in these experiences because of the pain involved, and therefore grew an anxiety surrounding camping. This past summer, some friends and I went camping and we had a blast. I may need to be more careful than most, but I can camp.
Snowboarding/ longboarding - Both longboarding and snowboarding were things that I never considered trying because I simply didn't think I was cool enough (LOL what does “cool enough” even look like). Turns out I enjoy both, but I never would have known had I never tried.
Breaking a bone - I obviously didn't plan this one but I was never a risk taker growing up and thought that breaking a bone was going to be the worst pain. I think that the thought of potential pain can be enough to scare us from even trying. Turns out that I was totally fine after a little surgery and some recovery time.

Anxiety is something that I still feel sometimes, but I don’t want it to make my choices for me anymore. Walking through anxiety will look different for different people but I think it was super healthy for me to put myself in the situations that made me uncomfortable in order for me to see the lies clearly.

In the midst of trying new things and being changed, I had this realization that I had no idea who the heck I was without anxiety. It was a pretty odd feeling of not really being sure of very much. I wasn’t sure at first if I was supposed to be happy or embrace being a bit lost. Luckily, I have a relationship with a God who knows me even when I don’t and I am so excited to keep discovering who I am without anxiety and living in more and more freedom.