Amanda Tanner - A Calling to Obey
When Lauren asked me to write for her blog, I was so encouraged because I remembered she calls her blog “Love Your World.” The fact that she felt I exuded an energy that fit the criteria of somebody who loves their world was a huge relief, like maybe I’m doing something right? Because we all know how it feels to not really love our world. Especially not in a season of darkness and dryness.
My life’s been a messy one this past year. It’s certainly broken. There’s a whole lot of healing, unlearning, deconstructing, and uprooting false foundations. It hurts and it isn’t all that pretty. But the reason I keep on “keeping on” is because I know that I love life, deep down in my heart. I know that I was a curious, warm child and am aching to get back to her. And I’m trying to rest in the fact that we are all called to enjoy God’s creation and bask in the breath he breathes into us.
There is no exception.
I decided to follow one of the questions Lauren asks in her guidelines to featuring writers: “What’s your calling?” because it’s an interesting one.
I’ve always thought my calling was to create, teach, and advocate – maybe something concrete like become a teacher in the Middle East or get into film and production. Recently, though, I’ve come to a realization that my calling is to simply obey. Hear me out on this one.
I am called to obey God when I want so badly to follow my dreams.
I am called to be still and listen to my body when I so badly want to go for a run to forget my troubles.
I am called to lean on God when I sooo badly want to control the circumstances laid out in front of me.
This is where I’m at right now.
That’s not to say I don’t believe my calling is in writing and teaching and creating, but I think in this season I’m in, I can’t take life too seriously. I gotta roll with the punches, I gotta learn how to be comfortable with change (since it’s the only constant in life) and I gotta learn to believe again. Go back to the basics. To pray feverishly. And to console rather than be consoled.
I am learning that it’s not about me, and the second I make it about me, I’ve lost touch with my spirit. It really creeps up on you though, this thing called pride.
And I realized my calling was to simply obey after I went through a rough season of burnout starting in December up until recently. Nothing was in my control these past six months. I didn’t know where my identity stood. I believed the lies the enemy was trying to write out for me while my flesh was weak. I couldn’t continue school and work and my pride didn’t allow me to be fully transparent with the people around me about how I was really struggling.
I didn’t realize how stubborn I was until I came to the point where I had to ask for help and take responsibility for my life.
This all happened after I had come back from a trip to Jordan last summer. I taught Syrian refugees English for a month and upon returning home, I struggled a whole lot with processing the experience. I had a lot of faith-related questions that I kept to myself, which began to produce bitterness. I didn’t talk to anyone about the trip because, quite frankly, I didn’t have the time or energy. I also felt it was a burden to share about my trip because I didn’t know anybody around me who could relate. It was almost reverse culture-shock.
All of this basically led me to break down after ignoring stress and anxiety for so long, among others factors in my life at that time, which made room for depression, too.
I went to therapy with a Christian therapist because I knew I wanted to ask someone all my faith-based questions. I dug myself into community. My Bible was left open to Psalms for months. I started praying for others instead of myself, which is a game changer y’all.
I basically realized I need to obey God because I can never predict illness or helplessness.
Side note, I also got into a car accident (not my fault, I was in the passenger seat of an Uber) that I couldn’t have predicted back in January. This put me on course for rehabilitation the past six months, on top of my mental health struggles.
I am convinced that there are limits to this new “speak things into existence” trend. I used to believe in it. And I get it - mind over matter, yes. 100%. But I need God. I can’t do any of the healing, restoration, or inner work on my own.
I can do what I can today, though. I can pray for somebody who needs prayer. I can remind someone of the beauty that exists in the character of Jesus. Or the saving He can do. Burnout and physiotherapy can’t stop me from doing any of that so I might as well obey and see what comes of it. Let me tell you, beauty comes from obedience.
I can go on about the blessings that have come from laying my own cross down for a second and helping carry someone else’s.
Today, I am in a much better place. I had my final therapy session a week ago and I am back on my feet (not 100%, though, if I’m being honest - but who is?). I am really excited about the lessons I learned in this valley, though.
I am a firm believer now that some lessons you won’t ever be able to learn on the mountain top.
Here are a few I’m working on now:
It is necessary to ask for help. Not recommended... necessary. Give up the pride, and reach out when the load is too great a burden to carry.
You placing your value in how much you are able to do only means you don’t think God loves disabled/sick people as much as he loves you. Let that sink in.
When you don’t know how to sit with mourning or sadness, go help your neighbour.
Pray for others. Daily. Seek out the opportunities. This is how you get involved in Kingdom work.
Life is about relationships, not work or school or money or fame or success. Life is about being courageous in relationships.
Meaning is found in doing something for somebody else with no way of repayment.
Getting back to the basics is key. Get enough sleep. Take time to rest and play. Even God rested and looked at his work with awe.
I can seriously go on about the lessons I’ve learned in what I thought was a season of absolute darkness. But I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him.
This is the calling I’ve placed my trust in at this point in my life. One thing I know for sure is that I am not called to understand it all. Otherwise I’d be God, am I right?
I am only a broken vessel being used for God-knows what is to come.
Thank you Lauren for giving me the opportunity to pour my heart out on your blog. I wouldn’t want to have done it anywhere else <3