Surrender
Photo take by Michelle Sypkes.
Surrender is a tricky business. I have learned to love it because it is SO ESSENTIAL. But that doesn’t always make it less confusing and frustrating at times.
Honestly, these moments have at times frustrated me because I will so desperately want to let go of something but am not quite at the point of letting it go and will have to just ask that God continues to change my heart from holding tightly to letting go. Let me just say that I am NOT a patient person the majority of the time. I tend to speak my mind pretty much always and being timid is not something I experience often. So, to sit and wait for God to continue to work on my heart in a particular area can be AGONIZING. Let me be very clear - it is always worth it; it can just be a bit much sometimes.
Surrender can also be frustrating because we are human. This can mean that surrender may need to be a daily decision. So even when you feel that you have finally broken through into freedom, you can still fall back into it and feel like a complete failure. This is another moment that can feel a bit emotionally turbulent. It’s humbling and helps you draw nearer to God and his strength, but also makes you feel like crap. It makes you feel as though you did something wrong. Maybe I didn’t hear God right? Am I just convincing myself that I am free? What if I don’t know what real freedom feels like?
Personally, I question if I even have the ability to change. We all have hurts or fears with deep roots in our lives. To allow God to dig out those roots can be time consuming and painful. As God works, so does the enemy. He will consistently cause you to doubt your ability to change and grow. He will cause you to question, what if I end up stuck here? He can make you blind to small moments of victory or convince you that they aren’t significant or meaningful.
A specific example in my life is based in fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety have this crazy way of warping your mind. They convince you that you need it to keep you safe, that the fear and anxiety that you experience, no matter how irrational, has some sliver of truth to it and is therefore keeping you safe. It makes you feel like if you surrender those feelings, then you will be left defenseless and you will get hurt.
Because of my relationship with God, I have been able to see (and read literally all over the Bible) that God doesn’t want us to fear. He wants the absolute best for us and fear is not it. Fear keeps us from our calling and it ultimately is a barrier in our relationship with God. This perspective makes it obvious - you can choose God, or you can choose the barrier. The barrier doesn’t have to be fear or anxiety. It can be anger, lust, greed, bitterness, or any number of other feelings or situations.
A really smart pastor I know once spoke about identity. He explained how it is so easy to sometimes identify ourselves as our sin, but that should not be where our identity comes from. He explained that our core identity should come from one word: forgiven.
It can feel easier to say, “I am an anxious person” or decide to let the hurt that you feel be an excuse to hurt others. It is a whole lot harder to stand up, accept that you are broken, and allow God into every piece of your heart. I can’t promise that you will see quick results or even results that will come in the next year, but I can promise you that it is worth it. God is always worth it.