Be Filled

“God, I want more of you.”

Photo taken by Michelle Sypkes

For so long, it felt as though I was trying to convince myself that I was doing a good enough job in my relationship with God. But I have come to the realization that if you are trying to measure if you are good enough in a relationship, it’s probably not a very strong relationship.

Some of my favourite moments are of surrender. It shows vulnerability and usually expresses a moment when your heart is finally ready to stop holding tightly onto something that hurts you. In January of 2018, I had one of these key moments that I repeatedly prayed: “God, I want more of you.”

Story time:

Every year, my best friend and I ask God for a word over our year. I don’t even remember where we first heard of this concept, but it has definitely stuck.

In January of 2018, Alyssa and I decided to go on a road trip to New York City (funny story… we never quite made it there… we spent 5 days in Lancaster, Pennsylvania instead). We were both still waiting for our word and I remember feeling in my gut that I would have it before I got home.

On our way back from our trip, we still hadn’t figured out what our words were. It was a Sunday night, so we went to The Storefront (kind of like a young adults group but also not really). We walked in exhausted from driving eight straight hours and I remember feeling again that I would have my word before I got home. It didn’t come out of desperation at all, but rather from a place of peace.

As we began worship, a friend, Hannah, shared about how she wanted to have more of a hunger for God. I can’t remember exactly the words she used but I remember that everything she said spoke to a deep part of my heart.

I went and asked her if she would pray for me and expressed that I wanted more of God, too. She prayed and the song that was playing in the background and the words that she was praying suddenly came together and a phrase filled my head: Be Filled. That was it. That was my word.

In typical Lauren fashion, I had doubts. I doubted that I had heard right. I doubted that my heart was in the right place. I doubted everything. But as we drove home (FINALLY), I said to Alyssa: “I think I have my word…” to which she answered, “Me too!” And as we shared how God had worked in each of us, I had so much peace that this was the right word.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit – Romans 15:13.

So that’s what I am working towards. Being filled. I want to be filled by God and through God. A big realization that I have had is that in order to be filled up by God, other things need to leave and get out of the way. But in every instance of letting go, the prayer that stays in my heart is “God, I want more of you.”

Surrender

Photo take by Michelle Sypkes.

Surrender is a tricky business. I have learned to love it because it is SO ESSENTIAL. But that doesn’t always make it less confusing and frustrating at times.

Honestly, these moments have at times frustrated me because I will so desperately want to let go of something but am not quite at the point of letting it go and will have to just ask that God continues to change my heart from holding tightly to letting go. Let me just say that I am NOT a patient person the majority of the time. I tend to speak my mind pretty much always and being timid is not something I experience often. So, to sit and wait for God to continue to work on my heart in a particular area can be AGONIZING. Let me be very clear - it is always worth it; it can just be a bit much sometimes.

Surrender can also be frustrating because we are human. This can mean that surrender may need to be a daily decision. So even when you feel that you have finally broken through into freedom, you can still fall back into it and feel like a complete failure. This is another moment that can feel a bit emotionally turbulent. It’s humbling and helps you draw nearer to God and his strength, but also makes you feel like crap. It makes you feel as though you did something wrong. Maybe I didn’t hear God right? Am I just convincing myself that I am free? What if I don’t know what real freedom feels like?

Personally, I question if I even have the ability to change. We all have hurts or fears with deep roots in our lives. To allow God to dig out those roots can be time consuming and painful. As God works, so does the enemy. He will consistently cause you to doubt your ability to change and grow. He will cause you to question, what if I end up stuck here? He can make you blind to small moments of victory or convince you that they aren’t significant or meaningful.

A specific example in my life is based in fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety have this crazy way of warping your mind. They convince you that you need it to keep you safe, that the fear and anxiety that you experience, no matter how irrational, has some sliver of truth to it and is therefore keeping you safe. It makes you feel like if you surrender those feelings, then you will be left defenseless and you will get hurt.

Because of my relationship with God, I have been able to see (and read literally all over the Bible) that God doesn’t want us to fear. He wants the absolute best for us and fear is not it. Fear keeps us from our calling and it ultimately is a barrier in our relationship with God. This perspective makes it obvious - you can choose God, or you can choose the barrier. The barrier doesn’t have to be fear or anxiety. It can be anger, lust, greed, bitterness, or any number of other feelings or situations.

A really smart pastor I know once spoke about identity. He explained how it is so easy to sometimes identify ourselves as our sin, but that should not be where our identity comes from. He explained that our core identity should come from one word: forgiven.

It can feel easier to say, “I am an anxious person” or decide to let the hurt that you feel be an excuse to hurt others. It is a whole lot harder to stand up, accept that you are broken, and allow God into every piece of your heart. I can’t promise that you will see quick results or even results that will come in the next year, but I can promise you that it is worth it. God is always worth it.

The Beginning. The Middle. The End.

Photo taken by Michelle Sypkes.

I wanted my first post here to mean something. I wanted it to express why I am doing all of this. I already wrote this post a while ago, to be honest. But as I read it over, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I wasn’t disappointed with my writing ability, my style, or even the content. I loved writing that post. But as I read it over a few weeks before launching this website, I couldn’t help but feel like it was missing something.

As I thought more about it, it reminded my of many times in my life where I have felt like I’ve been misunderstood. Usually those moments are because I haven't fully expressed something or in trying to explain something, my passion or my genuine heart for it just doesn't quite come through the way I wanted it to. So if you are reading this, that means that it finally fits with what God has put on my heart.

If I were to tell you about every story, moment, and emotion that I have experienced over the years that led me here…. That would simply take too long. But I have come to the conclusion that this moment right here is not just the beginning, but also the middle and the end.

The beginning: this marks the beginning of a new season. This is so easy and obvious to see, it almost feels silly to explain. But here’s the thing: it is definitely the beginning of this website and the beginning of me really putting my calling and passion into action. However, this has also been the beginning of a new season mentally and spiritually. I have struggled a lot in the past with anxiety, stress, panic attacks, etc. But this process of building a website, planning, scheduling, and building relationships has shown me a new beauty in surrendering. I have never had so much peace in a situation that feels so chaotic…. um, ever?

The middle: Throughout the years of this vision coming together, I have seen God prepare me in countless areas. I remember praying just out of high school, “God, whatever you need to do to prepare me as a leader, do it”. There is something kind of crazy praying prayers like that because you really don’t fully know what you are getting yourself into (I certainly didn’t). Now let me be clear, He is not done with me yet. There is still so much more. So much, that I will spend my entire life praying these prayers and watching Him transform my heart. James 1:2-4: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

The end: I feel like I am taking a deep breath in and letting it out. I am no stranger to waiting on God. To be honest, I didn’t feel like this day would come so soon. I fully expected to wait longer because I never thought that I would ever be ready to take this on. But that’s kind of the beauty in surrender, that I don’t need to be perfect in any way for God to use me, or for me to begin to pursue something that He has called me to. It is the end of this season of waiting, but I am definitely not done waiting on God.

Now, I fully realize that I have not really explained what “this” is. That’s because why I am doing it is actually way more important that what I am doing. So, without further ado:

Love Your World is a place of community, relationships, and learning to love the world around us.

1. Community, because we all need it and it’s important to find where your place is in it.

2. Relationships, because they inspire us to be our best, and together we are stronger.

3. Learning to love the world around us, because when we value community and relationships, it’s about so much more than just our little lives. It is about all of us loving one another no matter the culture, language, ethnicity, or differing beliefs.

Throughout the coming months, there will be posts about:

1. What God is doing in my life.

2. What God is doing in other people’s lives regarding their differing callings.

3. Ways that you can love the world around you better.

If you are reading this, know that I am praying for you. I may not fully know what this will look like in the future (more accurately, I have very little knowledge of the future of this). But I know that God has brought me here, and it is pretty cool that He brought you here, too.