Rejection

Fighting for Freedom no. 7

Why do we expect rejection?

I moved out for the first time a month ago. It has been mostly good. I knew that moving out would be a space for me to step into myself in a lot of ways. And that has definitely begun. My first time cooking for myself was a bit of a disaster. Let me be clear. I love cooking and everything that I cooked was delicious. The problem came when I was cleaning up and put my brand new bottle of oil on the top shelf above the microwave. 

Maybe the lid was loose. 

Maybe I should have gotten a stool to put things away.

Maybe I shouldn’t have thought to myself, “I wonder how long this oil will last.”

I put a big bag up next and it knocked the oil over. I didn’t think much on it because “the lid was definitely on”. I continued to clean surfaces and put the dishes in the sink. I reluctantly grabbed a stool because I realized my short, little arms would not be able to reach the oil later. I climbed on the stool and was SHOOK by the sight of oil EVERYWHERE. I then proceeded to clean up the oil that was now all over the cabinet, dripping behind the microwave, seeping through the microwave, dripping on the stove.... I became a little overwhelmed and one of my first thoughts was “they are going to kick me out”. 

How nuts is that? That I would think that one spill would cause people to not want me around. 

Why do we expect rejection?

Why do I expect rejection?

Something I have been trying to do lately is have a little extra self-compassion. Specifically, I look at what happened and ask myself, “how would I react if someone else did this?”, or in this case, “how would I feel if one of my roommates accidentally made a huge mess?”. Chances are if I am a lot kinder to them, then I need to try and be a little kinder to me. Because realistically, people (for the most part) are not waiting around to reject you or blame you. I have found that most people have a whole lot of grace to give and see a whole lot of good in you. 

As I have dug a little deeper into rejection and worth, I have been struck by a few things that God has to say about it all. We all know the classic “fearfully and wonderfully made” and other phrases that people use from the Bible to try and speak life into those deep roots of self-worth. A game changer for me came this past week while reading Jo Saxton’s book The Dream of You. She talks about how humankind is made in the image of God on her and Steph’s podcast “Lead Stories”. There was something in the way that those two pieces collided that made me stop in my tracks. God creating us in his image is such an expression of love. For me, it’s easy to see the beauty of God’s creation. But then again, I am one of those creations. Not just one of those creations (and so are you), but a creation made in His own image.That is some pretty powerful stuff.

A few tips: first, speak your lies out loud. Not just to random people. Not to whoever is convenient. But to the people who care and to the people who will speak truth and life over you. Something I have realized this past couple weeks is that I have more of those people than I thought, which is pretty cool. Find your people.

Second tip: learn to take criticism in a healthy way. This has been a big one for me. There are going to be people who feel like they have the authority and the right to speak into your life critically. Some will absolutely have that authority; others will not. Some will speak on whatever they can see, which is not usually the whole story. And some will unfortunately not see your heart and call things out in you that may not even be remotely true. Learn to know the value of each piece of criticism and how to wade through each piece. This podcast helped me drastically understand this concept well: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/lead-stories-podcast/id1071345719?i=1000394732290

If you are like me and tend to hold yourself to a particularly high set of standards, just know that you are not alone in these feelings. But you should also know that you are so much more loved than you think or feel. It might take more effort to see, but that doesn’t mean that your particular brand of awesome is not in you already, because it is. 

If you feel like you are not surrounded by people who see that, you might need to find new people. If you feel like you can’t quite see it in yourself, maybe you need to look a little deeper. And, if you feel like rejection is around every corner ready to beat up any tiny sense of self-worth you may have, maybe you need to put down your fighting fists and start to take time to see the truth in the situation and see the beauty of creation that is you.

Amanda Tanner - A Calling to Obey

When Lauren asked me to write for her blog, I was so encouraged because I remembered she calls her blog “Love Your World.” The fact that she felt I exuded an energy that fit the criteria of somebody who loves their world was a huge relief, like maybe I’m doing something right? Because we all know how it feels to not really love our world. Especially not in a season of darkness and dryness. 

My life’s been a messy one this past year. It’s certainly broken. There’s a whole lot of healing, unlearning, deconstructing, and uprooting false foundations. It hurts and it isn’t all that pretty. But the reason I keep on “keeping on” is because I know that I love life, deep down in my heart. I know that I was a curious, warm child and am aching to get back to her. And I’m trying to rest in the fact that we are all called to enjoy God’s creation and bask in the breath he breathes into us. 

There is no exception. 

I decided to follow one of the questions Lauren asks in her guidelines to featuring writers: “What’s your calling?” because it’s an interesting one.

I’ve always thought my calling was to create, teach, and advocate – maybe something concrete like become a teacher in the Middle East or get into film and production. Recently, though, I’ve come to a realization that my calling is to simply obey. Hear me out on this one. 

I am called to obey God when I want so badly to follow my dreams. 

I am called to be still and listen to my body when I so badly want to go for a run to forget my troubles. 

I am called to lean on God when I sooo badly want to control the circumstances laid out in front of me. 

This is where I’m at right now. 

That’s not to say I don’t believe my calling is in writing and teaching and creating, but I think in this season I’m in, I can’t take life too seriously. I gotta roll with the punches, I gotta learn how to be comfortable with change (since it’s the only constant in life) and I gotta learn to believe again. Go back to the basics. To pray feverishly. And to console rather than be consoled.  

I am learning that it’s not about me, and the second I make it about me, I’ve lost touch with my spirit. It really creeps up on you though, this thing called pride.

And I realized my calling was to simply obey after I went through a rough season of burnout starting in December up until recently. Nothing was in my control these past six months. I didn’t know where my identity stood. I believed the lies the enemy was trying to write out for me while my flesh was weak. I couldn’t continue school and work and my pride didn’t allow me to be fully transparent with the people around me about how I was really struggling. 

I didn’t realize how stubborn I was until I came to the point where I had to ask for help and take responsibility for my life. 

This all happened after I had come back from a trip to Jordan last summer. I taught Syrian refugees English for a month and upon returning home, I struggled a whole lot with processing the experience. I had a lot of faith-related questions that I kept to myself, which began to produce bitterness. I didn’t talk to anyone about the trip because, quite frankly, I didn’t have the time or energy. I also felt it was a burden to share about my trip because I didn’t know anybody around me who could relate. It was almost reverse culture-shock.

All of this basically led me to break down after ignoring stress and anxiety for so long, among others factors in my life at that time, which made room for depression, too. 

I went to therapy with a Christian therapist because I knew I wanted to ask someone all my faith-based questions. I dug myself into community. My Bible was left open to Psalms for months. I started praying for others instead of myself, which is a game changer y’all. 

I basically realized I need to obey God because I can never predict illness or helplessness. 

Side note, I also got into a car accident (not my fault, I was in the passenger seat of an Uber) that I couldn’t have predicted back in January. This put me on course for rehabilitation the past six months, on top of my mental health struggles. 

I am convinced that there are limits to this new “speak things into existence” trend. I used to believe in it. And I get it - mind over matter, yes. 100%. But I need God. I can’t do any of the healing, restoration, or inner work on my own. 

I can do what I can today, though. I can pray for somebody who needs prayer. I can remind someone of the beauty that exists in the character of Jesus. Or the saving He can do. Burnout and physiotherapy can’t stop me from doing any of that so I might as well obey and see what comes of it. Let me tell you, beauty comes from obedience. 

I can go on about the blessings that have come from laying my own cross down for a second and helping carry someone else’s.

Today, I am in a much better place. I had my final therapy session a week ago and I am back on my feet (not 100%, though, if I’m being honest - but who is?). I am  really excited about the lessons I learned in this valley, though. 

I am a firm believer now that some lessons you won’t ever be able to learn on the mountain top. 

Here are a few I’m working on now:

1. It is necessary to ask for help. Not recommended... necessary. Give up the pride, and reach out when the load is too great a burden to carry.

2. You placing your value in how much you are able to do only means you don’t think God loves disabled/sick people as much as he loves you. Let that sink in.

3. When you don’t know how to sit with mourning or sadness, go help your neighbour. 

4. Pray for others. Daily. Seek out the opportunities. This is how you get involved in Kingdom work.

5. Life is about relationships, not work or school or money or fame or success. Life is about being courageous in relationships.

6. Meaning is found in doing something for somebody else with no way of repayment. 

7. Getting back to the basics is key. Get enough sleep. Take time to rest and play. Even God rested and looked at his work with awe.   

I can seriously go on about the lessons I’ve learned in what I thought was a season of absolute darkness. But I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him. 

This is the calling I’ve placed my trust in at this point in my life. One thing I know for sure is that I am not called to understand it all. Otherwise I’d be God, am I right? 

I am only a broken vessel being used for God-knows what is to come. 

Thank you Lauren for giving me the opportunity to pour my heart out on your blog. I wouldn’t want to have done it anywhere else <3 

People Change People

The power or relationships. I have recently had a lot of time to think about the people I have chosen as mentors or simply people of influence in my life. This is not to say that I hand picked people and said “you will be my mentor”. In my case, mentors are the people that I've invested my time with because they are people that I already want to be around. I often call them  friends rather than mentors. But here's the thing: either way, depth in relationships will change you, whether you like it or not.

I feel so abundantly blessed to have so many incredible individuals to look up to that it can be overwhelming at times (in the best way). Honestly how in the ACTUAL HECK did I get so lucky?!? Here are just a few:

1. Jenn

Over the past three-ish years, I have watched Jenn walk out her calling to foster. From praying for her on a summer night on a pier in Port Dalhousie, to crying together on her couch as she says goodbye to a child, I have watched her calling as a foster parent transform not only her, but me too (not to mention many others). Her deep desire for God's will and her willingness to love deeply has changed the way that I see servanthood, unconditional love, and parenthood.

There are many people who say that fostering is hard. And that is no lie. The way that Jenn has carried herself and her family through this past season of grief has been nothing short of beautiful. Beauty is not picture perfect, all smiles, or convenient. Jenn has shown me the beauty in the messy, in grief and in daring to hope for restoration to their broken hearts. She is someone who presses in when she is struggling, digs deeper when she is hurting, and is not afraid to sit with God in her pain. I cannot emphasize enough how much I love Jenn and how much I strive to have that kind of strength and heart.

2. Sandra 

Sandra is among the most driven, adventurous, and fun people I have ever met. She has been a support and a listening ear in more ways than one. She is confidently and authentically herself and a beautiful communicator. 

The way that she conducts her life and businesses with such integrity and easygoing nature makes me literally want to be her when I grow up. I have found that it is rare to find that kind of combination. When you meet someone with that kind of thoroughness and strong integrity, you do not always think “easygoing and adventurous” but that is exactly Sandra. When I go to her for advice, I know I will be met with honesty and depth. She also has this amazing talent to take a big project and see the exact spot where you need to start. I don’t know if I would have begun this blog space without her encouragement, inspiration, and intentionality.

3. Alyssa

Alyssa is quite literally a soul mate. No one understands me more than her and I am so abundantly blessed to have her as an intricate part of my story. When you find someone who knows what you're thinking based on how you are breathing, you know you have found something pretty special. 

It is crazy to realize how much we have grown together. We have quite literally been side by side for the past 10 years and it shows. She is the number one person whom I will accept constructive criticism from and that is not only because she knows me better than I do sometimes. Alyssa operates in this beautiful, gentle but firm space. She consistently sees the best in people and gives people the benefit of the doubt, but is still able to gently ask important questions. Her heart is kind and strong. She also has this incredible ability to make you feel safe being exactly where you're at and truly has God’s heart for people. Alyssa is such an embodiment of grace and I am grateful to have her as not only a best friend but as an example to look up to.

I don’t always love the word “mentor”. Maybe it's because it seems incredibly formal which is not really my style. Maybe it's because the depth of these relationships feels deeper than “mentoring”. These ladies are people with whom I do life. We cry, we laugh, we garden, we clean, we do errands together, and we don't usually have time to just sit and catch up. But I don't think I would want it that way. I have learned so much more from each of them by being in the dirt (sometimes literally) with them than I could have from occasional coffee dates. 

Surround yourself with people who will not only support you, but also stretch you. Surround yourself with people who have similar passions, but different approaches. Surround yourself with people who will teach you new things, but never fail to see the good in you, too. 

In the end, you choose who you surround yourself with. If there is something you want to grow in, get to know someone who thrives where you want to grow.  It may just change your life and your heart forever.

He is in the boat with you.

Fighting for Freedom no.6

Matthew 8:23-27

23 Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

A few years ago, a guest speaker taught on this passage. What she said impacted me then and continues to impact me now. She talked about how the disciples had just seen Jesus do miraculous things and then they get into this boat and the chaos of the storm overcomes them. They forget that the son of God is in the boat with them.

My life has always been a little chaotic and for so long that chaos would shake me to my core. So I started to make this phrase “He is in the boat with you.” a part of every day. I started by writing it on my steering wheel in my car. For nearly 2 years it has stayed there as a reminder that the God of the universe is in my boat with me.

Psalm 118:6

The LORD is with me. I will not be afraid. What can people do to me?

In October of last year, I moved churches. It was a difficult transition. The first sunday there, I felt so insecure and out of place. “What am I doing here?” “Did I make the right choice?” “Did I hear God right?” And then out of nowhere I heard “I am in the boat with you.” Overwhelming peace. It had been so long since I had heard that phrase and it reminded me of how faithful God has been to me in the past. Along with hearing that phrase, I got a picture of a little stick figure boat. I knew immediately that it was going to be my first tattoo.

I waited 3 months to actually get it because getting a tattoo on a whim is not the wisest decision. But I did it. On January 2, 2019, I got this boat tattoo to remember that in every chaotic moment He is in the boat with me. The next day, I lost my job and I began one of the most chaotic seasons of my life. Through it all, I have my little boat and the reminder that I am not alone.

Zephaniah 3:17

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

This is for you: No matter what kind of chaos that life throws at you. He is with you. Not only is He with you but he wants to be in that chaos with you, holding your hand and guiding you through. He deeply wants to dwell with us. Will you let Him?

A song that has been on my heart: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Jp3Z3rrb2sfZjVmDhD2Jq?si=m_Fa0A57QveLuhpFi0Qo8A

My spotify playlist based on this phrase:

https://open.spotify.com/user/lgalenkamp/playlist/0H62GJQ4Y0vMVAqbQoBAMg?si=ySUjETyiRCSzIM1pC2Kb8w

Fighting for Freedom

photo by Michelle Sypkes

Freedom is something that I have desperately wanted for a long time. I have been told a few times that if I just prayed and asked for freedom then, BAM! Freedom could be mine. I don’t think that those people had bad intentions and I think that in God’s timing we can experience “‘BAM’ freedom”. But it is not the case for all of us and certainly wasn’t for me. When I think of God’s heart for me, I know that “‘BAM’ freedom” was not what I needed. I needed to learn the art of slowly but surely pushing anxiety out. It is in the slow that I learned the most about God’s love for me -a love that doesn’t change if I am having a good day or a bad month, a love that has grace for me even when I can’t see it.

For so long, I let anxiety make my choices for me. Honestly, I didn’t see it when I was in it. But at some point I started to push back. I started to try new things and began to discover freedom. Step by step, I was gaining ground back. I think I was sick of being nervous about seemingly dumb things. Now that I can see things more clearly, I don’t want to stop trying things that freak me out. I actually decided to make a list of things that I have either wanted to try but haven’t because of feelings of anxiety or just things that make me feel anxious. To be fair, quite a few of them I can’t really plan for, so I am not giving myself a timeline to complete them. I am also not going to share the list. I hope to share about most of those items as I overcome them or in hindsight where needed.

As I mentioned, I have already started, so here are five:

Camping trip September 2018

1. Babies - yes, babies - made me super nervous. As you might already know, I overcame this through a nannying job helping out my friend as she not only raised her own two children but also fostered two beautiful babies. This experience has been one of the most transformative seasons of my life. If you want to read more about that you can read about it here.

2. Food - if you know me at all, then you know that I have had some pretty extensive health issues for most of my life. Most of those issues have still gone undiagnosed after two years of searching for answers. For so long, my family and I had no clue what was triggering these issues and so I just stopped trying new foods altogether. Now that we have begun to discover some answers, I have stepped into freedom by trying new foods. (The other night, I had duck for the first time, and WOW!)

3. Camping - beginning around the age of about 13, I had kidney/bladder issues for a few summers in a row while I was camping. I would choose not to engage in these experiences because of the pain involved, and therefore grew an anxiety surrounding camping. This past summer, some friends and I went camping and we had a blast. I may need to be more careful than most, but I can camp.

4. Snowboarding/ longboarding - Both longboarding and snowboarding were things that I never considered trying because I simply didn't think I was cool enough (LOL what does “cool enough” even look like). Turns out I enjoy both, but I never would have known had I  never tried.

5. Breaking a bone - I obviously didn't plan this one but I was never a risk taker growing up and thought that breaking a bone was going to be the worst pain. I think that the thought of potential pain can be enough to scare us from even trying. Turns out that I was totally fine after a little surgery and some recovery time.

Anxiety is something that I still feel sometimes, but I don’t want it to make my choices for me anymore. Walking through anxiety will look different for different people but I think it was super healthy for me to put myself in the situations that made me uncomfortable in order for me to see the lies clearly.

In the midst of trying new things and being changed, I had this realization that I had no idea who the heck I was without anxiety. It was a pretty odd feeling of not really being sure of very much. I wasn’t sure at first if I was supposed to be happy or embrace being a bit lost. Luckily, I have a relationship with a God who knows me even when I don’t and I am so excited to keep discovering who I am without anxiety and living in more and more freedom.