Loving Deeply, Grieving Deeply

photo by Michelle Sypkes

When I learned to grieve, I learned a very valuable lesson. When I learned to love a little girl deeply, it meant that I was also choosing to eventually grieve deeply. Loving deeply is a risk worth taking… even if that risk could break you apart for a while.

Most people will avoid pain at all costs. It makes sense; why would we choose pain? But sometimes pain is necessary. Sometimes pain is the only way to grow into who we were created to be. 

I think that when we learn to grieve well, and when we learn to grieve alongside a God who is sustaining us, we get a small glimpse into how God loves. There is a part of grief that can show us a glimpse into unconditional love. When we grieve deeply, it is often because we have loved deeply. I don’t know anyone who loves deeper that God. I think it is important to realize that a part of that love, is also grief (we do see/hear Jesus/God grieve in the Bible).

Jesus wept.

John 11:25

If I had chosen not to grieve her and “move past” it quickly, I would be making a very important choice. I would be choosing to frame our relationship in such a way that it didn’t matter as much. When a relationship is meaningful to us,  we experience pain when it ends. When we choose not to let it hurt us, we choose to see it as less meaningful. And in that, we miss out on the depth of healing that can occur later.

Sometimes the pain is so great that denial is the only way to start grieving. But that is not where you should finish your journey of grief. That is where I started. I felt like I couldn’t be sad because I was “just the nanny” or that I had made our relationship better in my head than it was in real life. I wouldn’t let myself grieve because I didn’t think that I had the “right" to grieve her.

Eventually, I had to come to the realization that everything about my relationship with her was not only real, but God-given. It felt like God had given me this beautiful gift and I could choose if I wanted to embrace that gift for all that came with it (both the depth of love and grief) or if I wanted to make it less valuable so that I could hurt less in the moment.

He heals the broken-hearted, and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

The Lord is near the broken hearted; He delivers those who are discouraged.

Psalm 34:18

The world and even the church will often tell you to “just be positive”. But there are times when being positive is not only dishonest but also counterproductive. Being positive causes us to get stuck and become unable to move through pain (which is inevitable). Being unable to move through pain cuts us off from seeing so much of God’s heart for redemption and restoration. 

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be moved. 

Psalm 55:22

There is something else that happens when we try to “be positive”. Instead of digging deep and searching for healing, it can make us bury those hurts down so deep that they become a part of our identity and we can no longer see them as something that simply needs care and time to heal. I can guarantee that just because we cannot see how our wounds affect our lives and relationships with people, does not mean that they don’t exist. It just means that we don’t see it. Just because we bury hurt doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It just means it doesn’t exist to us. 

Here is how you know the difference between burying and healing: freedom. There is a huge change that occurs when you choose healing instead of burying. It is obvious to both you and others. If you are questioning whether or not you have buried something or healed from something, that is a red flag that maybe at least part of it is still buried. Because when you experience healing, it is undeniable.

Also, I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will take away the stoney heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. 

Ezekiel 36:26

Grief is not only necessary, but transformational. By choosing to grieve, you are choosing to come face to face with pain and instead of denying the power it has, you are choosing to see it for all that it is and move through it. When you move through it, you are not only restored; you are transformed. 

By choosing to embrace pain, we learn to hear God’s voice clearer. We learn to sit and listen even when our pain and hurt can be so loud. By choosing to grieve, we get to know His heart for us deeper. We get to feel God draw in close as we hurt and experience His healing as we move through grief or hurt. By choosing to move through instead of being positive, we are choosing transformation while sitting in the hands of the only One who could ever fully transform us.

Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

Just Sit.

In a hallway, when I realized it was real and she was leaving. You sat. I cried. You sat.

On my couch, when the grief overwhelmed me and made me feel like I could would never come back from it. You sat. I cried. You sat.

In the car, when I cried out that I felt lost and didn’t know where I had gone and that I had lost my joy. You sat. I cried. You sat.

In my room, when I believed that I couldn’t possibly move out because goodbye sounded like the most painful word after she left. You sat. I cried. You sat.

In my darkest days, they were there and they sat. I don’t think I could have gotten through this past season without their willingness to sit while I cried. Don’t underestimate sitting with someone. Sitting is a powerful stance. 

There are numerous reasons why sitting is a stance of strength, unity, and love.

Photo by Michelle Sypkes

Sitting is a powerful stance because it is often a stance of humility and surrender. When we choose to sit in something instead of act, we choose to wait for wisdom. We take the time to realize that we do not always know enough to handle something well. It is much easier to jump into something and “just figure it out” than to sit and wait to hear from God. In certain situations, there can be an element of embarrassment of not knowing what to do about something. It is so important to take those moments and choose humility and wisdom. 

Sitting is a way to pause. You sit and you stop what you are doing and you start to see more clearly. When we pause in the midst of chaos and mess, we stop focusing on the small details and start to see a fuller picture. When we see a fuller picture, our priorities are different than when we can only see certain details in high definition.

When you are loving someone well, you don’t tower over them. You get onto their level and you sit. You meet them exactly where they are at. That is what Jesus does for us and that is how we are called to love others. When you meet someone where they are at, it is not about quick fixes. It is about slow moving, baby steps forward and sitting patiently together. When you sit with someone, you are choosing to be present and to stay. 

Sometimes the most powerful part of friendship isn’t in the adventures, the time spent together laughing, pictures of beautiful moments, deep conversations, or inside jokes. The most powerful moments of friendship I have experienced have come from sitting together in hard moments and not being afraid to just sit and be.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t sit there forever. You are not created to sit in the pit forever. 

But the space to grieve, to be sad, and to be upset, needs to exist. If it doesn’t exist, then are we really being honest with ourselves and allowing God to work in every situation? What I mean is that when we choose not to feel those emotions at all, it doesn’t give God as much space to heal our hearts. It is us saying, “just be positive”; “I can get through this”; “I am strong enough”. 

But what if we realized that we aren’t strong enough? What if we realized that is the whole point - That we are not strong enough? We are made not only to rely on God, but we are also made for one another. I think there is a lot less pride and a lot more humility when we realize that we are not strong enough on our own.

In your darkest moments, let others sit with you in that darkness. Let God sit with you in it. Let the sitting create a pause to just be, and embrace it all. And then slowly let the light back in. Let the one true healer heal your heart.

When you see someone who is being smothered in darkness, it can be intimidating. You want to help so bad, but you are not sure where to start. Start with sitting. Start with listening. You are not going to be the healer of their darkness, God is. Let Him work through you.

When I was surrounded by darkness and confusion, all I needed was for people to sit with me. I didn’t need advice or for people to tell me to be positive. When I felt lost, all I needed was to sit with God. He found me and pulled me out. I needed to be in the darkness for a while. I needed to learn to sit (and I am still learning). My advice for when you are overwhelmed, confused, hurting, or simply wanting to hear God’s will: just sit.

Keep Wrestling

Photo by Michelle Sypkes

“It’s like a wrestling match in my head, but at least I am fighting.”

I often get caught up in my own head. I used to describe it as a tornado in my head going around and around or like a wrestling match where I feel like I am just fighting myself. Then one day it occurred to me: “It’s like a wrestling match in my head, but at least I am fighting.” If I didn't fight it, all of my thoughts of doubt and insecurity would flatten me. They would debilitate me from everything God has created me to be and do. And that would be a truly sad day.

Here's the thing. When you are hearing lies, feeling tempted to fall back into old habits, or swimming in a black pit of despair, you have to be the one who fights for the truth. Other people cannot fight that battle for you. It is up to you and God to fight one of the most important battles - the one inside your own head. Other people can encourage and uplift you, but you choose what you do with that. Other people can also drag you down and try to pull you onto their level. You have a choice  to either let those hurts name you or to take on the name that was given to you by the one who knows you deeply: Loved. Cherished. Wanted. Redeemed. Whole. 

Isaiah 43:1

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you take on these names, the lies that pull you down loosen their chains. When you put on these names, the things that tempt you lose their value in the face of who you were created to be. When you put on these names, the light starts to break up the darkness. 

Resilience is when something is supposed to get in your way to stop you but it doesn’t. Resilience is not built overnight. It is built in the small daily choices. It is built on valuing your choices enough to know that each one matters. Resilience is not glamorous or fun. It requires endurance. Building resilience is often “boring” and means choosing the harder option for no other reason other than it is the right choice instead of the easiest. Resilience starts with every baby step forward that we take.

James 1:2-4 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

The most beautiful part is the hope that we have. We may have a war going on in our heads, but the strength we have is not just ours. Our strength comes from the One who is in the fight with us every step of the way. He is mighty to save. He delights in us when we run to Him with our broken pieces lifted up to Him so He can fix them. He looks at those broken pieces and says “finally” because He has been waiting for you let Him in. His grace creates beauty out of our mess. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Here's the thing about wrestling. It kind of feel like it sucks the life out of you. It sucks a lot of the time. It is hard. But when we choose to wrestle with the help of Jesus, we learn to hear His voice. When we learn to hear His voice, we can start to hear the value that God has already placed in each of us. It is a value that doesn’t come from what we do, but from who we are created to be.

In the end, growth and healing are hard work. BUT KEEP WRESTLING. You will not always get it right. BUT KEEP WRESTLING. You will fail and fall back into bad habits. BUT KEEP WRESTLING. You might have to start over multiple times BUT KEEP WRESTLING. Because when we wrestle, fruit, strength and resilience are produced.

Psalm 112: 1, 7-8 

Praise the Lord! Happy are those who fear the Lord. They are not afraid of evil tidings; their hearts are firm, secure in the Lord. Their hearts are steady, they will not be afraid.

Where is your next step into resilience and into who you were created to be? Where do you need to dig your heels in and say “enough is enough”? Are you ready to start/keep wrestling?

Wrestling is key to stepping into who you were created to be and not wrestling means that you are allowing the enemy and his lies to keep you from that. What are you waiting for?

1 Peter 1:13 

Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming.

Building Blocks

I have been getting a sense that God is building something specific in me. I don’t know what it is yet. I have some ideas but life has so many twists and turns, it is hard to know for sure.

It started with her. The little girl who left. She taught me how to love deeply and when she left, she taught me how to grieve deeply. When I was with her, there was something truly special. I want to call it magic, but I know better. I know that I was simply exactly where God wanted me to be and He blessed that time. Looking back, I love the person I became while loving her. I want to get back to that person.

Once she left, there were many endings and new beginnings. And honestly, I don’t think I am done seeing the new beginnings. I moved out, I started a new job, and I have continued to discover more about myself.

I started a new job. I started working at a group home that provides affordable housing and support to people living with mental illness. Not necessarily where I pictured myself, but God knew that this job would be a part of the healing in my heart. This job reunited me with unabashed joy. The whole job was about building relationships and encouraging them to get out of their comfort zones a little at times. It was about seeing the best in people and then encouraging those parts to grow (one of my favourite things to do anyway). 

There were also a lot of challenging moments that consisted of navigating difficult emotions, seeing people make bad choices, and watching as people struggled with things out of their control. There were sad moments and disappointment for sure. But perfect love casts out fear.

This job also taught me so much about how to love people well. Loving people well usually means that you’re not in a hurry, that you often have to just “figure it out”, and creating the space for everyone to flourish (and that does include moments of tough love). 

Morgan Harper Nichols is a genius^

The idea of building was put into my head one day while driving home from work. The thing about building is that in order to build the roof, you first need to put up walls. In order to put up walls, you first need a foundation. Eventually, you get to decorate, move in and live there. In the same way, I don’t know if I’m fully ready to step into parts of my calling until the foundation is set, the walls are built and the roof set in place. But what I have grown to see is that each step in the building process is an intricate part of the final product. It can be easy to want to “just move in already”, but it is wise to take care in each step and to remain faithful in each building block. 

I don’t know what the next building block will be. Chances are that when it comes, I probably won’t recognize it as Him at first. Or maybe I am learning to hear His voice better. 

Look for where God is building in your life. I firmly believe that He loves to build things in us, not just give us everything all at once. He is gentle and eases us in slowly. He delights in the process, because in the process is where we get to know His character deeply. It is in the process that we learn to know His voice. And it is in the process that the most beautiful parts of us that He created begin to come alive.

Spring/Summer Favourites

1.Thrifting

My thrifting game has been next level lately. I am convinced that you can thrift most things (except for plain white t-shirts - trust me, I’ve tried). I have found quite a few gems and have also found a few items to DIY. 

Some thrifting tips: 

Some of my favourite thrifted outfits pt.1

• Be picky! Don’t always be afraid of missing out, something else will always come along and you should only wanna settle for things that you know you will love.

• Take your time! Thrifting is a bit of a time investment, but it is definitely worth it. When you finally find that perfect pair of pants that you feel confident in, or those ‘just right’ overalls that you have been looking for over the past year, it is all worth it.

• Once you find your spots, be consistent. Consistency is key. I try to go once every couple weeks even if I find nothing.

• Try something new! If there is ever a time to try out a new style, thrifting is it!

Some of my favourite thrifted outfits pt.2

2. Hamilton

I moved out for the first time. I now live in Hamilton, Ontario. Wow, that is crazy to type out. I never really thought it would happen, but here we are. God provides EVERYTHING, friends! I found a place to live and felt very assured that it was a good fit, and then job stuff fell through. It left me confused, so I waited. I waited for God to show me what He was going to do. 

I did not have to wait long! A great job soon fell into my lap (because apparently that is the only way that I get great jobs). That job has since changed and healed so many little pieces of my heart and I am so glad that I am where I am.

ps. my new roommate Sara is also one of my favourites. <3

3. Running

LET ME BE CLEAR. I do NOT love running. In fact, most of my runs are more like run/walks. That being said, it’s been good. I have this intense issue with feeling like a failure if I am not great at something and tend to quit if I don’t see improvement quickly. Running has been good because I am finally facing that giant head on and keep trying to run. (But also the Nike Run Club app is the bomb.com)

4. Lead Stories podcasts

When they first started recording these podcasts years ago, I was hooked. I was working in a greenhouse and, therefore, had a ton of time to listen and learn from these two INCREDIBLE leaders. Jo and Steph have a unique ability to talk about difficult subjects and speak about them in a way that is honest, intelligent, and full of grace.

Over the years, I fell behind and, unfortunately, stopped making time to listen weekly. But lately I have been driving to and from Hamilton frequently and I started to listen again. Every time that I listen, I feel like they are seeing the positions of my heart and speaking them out loud. Time and time again, I have heard podcasts that are perfectly timed and I feel so cared for by these ladies.

My most recent favourite was in their conversation about leading on in anxious times. There are a few episodes about how to approach criticism in a healthy way and HOLY CRAP it was so FREAKING GOOD! Listen here: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/lead-stories-podcast/id1071345719?i=1000394732290

*I also want to make a note that this podcast is for everyone, not just women. This podcast is hosted by two strong leaders. Both are excellent teachers from whom we can all learn *

5. Ben Rector’s live album (MAGIC: Live from the USA)

I don’t think it is any secret that I love Ben Rector and his music. But this album is super special. For my 21st birthday, I went and saw Ben Rector in Detroit and he is a great musician in general… but LIVE?!!? Ben Rector live is a whole different story and such a fun experience. AND THEN he comes out with a live album from the tour. B.L.E.S.S.E.D.

Anyway. Big fan. Check it out: https://open.spotify.com/album/0X3SAHqqkJe9sPyyI4XCbF?si=SrOtip_iQ76IWY3OqG3V0Q

6. Some super solid worship tunes:

• Amanda Cook’s new album (especially her song “House on a Hill”) had me in TEARS for most of the spring. The whole album is about coming out of darkness and entering into abundance again. Never has an album been so perfectly timed in my life and what God has been doing.

• Out of Hiding - Stephanie Gretzinger. A beautiful look into God’s heart for us and another song that helped heal my heart.

• Whole Heart (Hold me Now) - Hillsong United. This song was shown to me on a roadtrip to Muskoka and I have been obsessed ever since (thanks Madi).

• Endless Alleluia - Bethel Music. The whole album (Victory)  is so good and this song is one of my favourites to start my day.

• Raise a Hallelujah - Bethel Music. We sang this song in church one Sunday and I hadn’t heard it before but the words felt like something that my heart had been yearning to sing. Such a powerful time of worship.

Here’s my Spotify playlist if you need some new worship jams: https://open.spotify.com/user/lgalenkamp/playlist/0H62GJQ4Y0vMVAqbQoBAMg?si=CtzcRjh1QxKCdt-nXLwjcg

7. Warm weather/new life 

I am not going to lie - winter was a hard time and I will not miss it. The warm weather feels like a time of rebirth and newness. There have been a lot of new beginnings in this season of life. I used to hate times of change and transition and not knowing what was next. It’s weird to realize that I have started to get used to it. The idea of having one full-time long-term job sounds weird and kind of boring. The idea of juggling a few different things that are constantly changing energizes me. One thing I know for sure, I am not who I was a year ago or even six months ago, and that’s pretty great.

On a totally separate note, warm weather = ultimate frisbee, a.k.a. my favourite summer memories of all time.

That’s all for now! I hope that you are all learning to thrive whether it is in a new season or an old one. <3